LaffGaff Archives

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.

Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?

It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name, but she tortoise well.

Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was.

He always says the same thing.

Rough.

Does every sentence need to include a vegetable?

Not neccescelery.

Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have got loads of back issues.

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”

I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P.

I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint.

The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”

I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks…

“Do you sell flip flips?”

My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.

I finally gave in.

After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there either.

I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”

I said, “Sure, there’s that…”

“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”

When I was a child we used to roll down hills in old tires.

Those were the good years.

Can February March?

No, but April May.

I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic.

Turns out he just needed a little space.

My dad always told me, “Don’t be quick to find faults.”

He was a good man.

Terrible geologist though.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover.

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

Some people always need their opinions validated.

Am I right?