Dogs are incredibly cute and funny. And while this collection of dog jokes and puns might not be cute theyâre definitely funny too. Youâd have to be barking mad not to find them hilarious.
So we hope you enjoy our collection of funny dog jokes for kids and other dog humor. If you do, be sure to check out our other animal jokes and pet jokes too, as well as our funny dog quotes.
Best Short Dog Jokes And Puns
My dog can do magic tricks.
Itâs a labracadabrador.
What do you call a dog thatâs underwater?
A sub-woofer.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?
Mustard. Itâs the best thing for a hot dog.
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
Yorkie.
I named my dog âWifi.
Because I stole it from my neighbor.
This farmer is lucky enough to own a talking sheepdog.
After the dog gets all the sheep in the pen, he says to the farmer: âRight, thatâs all forty sheep accounted for.â
The farmer says, âBut Iâve only got 37 sheep.â
The sheepdog says, âI know. I rounded them up.â
Funny Dog Puns
How do dogs pay for their shopping?
They scan the bark codes.
How do dogs get leave ships?
They disembark.
I canât take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess thatâs what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Why didnât the dog like crowded places?
He had claws-trophobia.
Why did the dog join the dating agency?
He was looking for somepawdy to love.
What do dogs do when theyâre impressed?
They give a round of appaws.
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish.
Heâs Espanyol.
Whatâs the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?
Roverdose.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a rose?
A collie flower.
Dog Dad Jokes
If you like cheesy dog jokes then these are the jokes for you!
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.
Heâs a boxer.
Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.
Thatâs a bit far-fetched.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What do dogs and phones have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What type of dog likes having a bath?
A shampoodle.
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
He didnât want to become a hot dog.
What did the dog say to the tree?
Bark.
What type of dog wears glasses?
A cock-eyed spaniel.
What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A watch dog.
What did the dog say to the fleas?
Stop bugging me.
What did the dog say to the sandpaper?
Ruff.
More Hilarious Dog Jokes
I was walking along the street yesterday when I slipped in some dog poop.
A minute later this big guy did the same thing.
I said to him, âI just did that.â
He punched me in the face.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Did you hear about the dog who gave birth on the sidewalk?
She was ticketed for littering.
Whatâs the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and one tags a whale.
Whatâs a dogâs perfect job?
Bark-eology.
Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
Why donât blind people skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
How do German Shepherds greet each other?
Guttendog.
You know the signs that say, âGuide dogs only?
Who are they directed at?
The dog?
I couldnât understand why my dog was motionless.
Then I realised⊠it was on paws.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk or shall we take the dog?
Whatâs more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
Dogs are tough.
Iâve been interrogating this one for hours and he still wonât tell me whoâs a good boy.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang.
I walked into a shop yesterday and the girl behind the counter said, âSorry, no dogs.â
I said, âThatâs okay, I brought my own. Itâs actually cigarettes I want.â
Why arenât dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
A dog walks into a hardware store and asks for a job.
The guy in the store says, âSorry, we donât hire dogs. Why donât you go join the circus?â
The dog says, âWhat would the circus want with a plumber?â
Why did the dog walk into the bar in the Wild West?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
Whatâs a dogâs favorite city?
New Yorkie.
As I walked into the store I noticed the sign on the door that said âGuide dogs welcomeâ.
As I entered, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.
A guy is walking through the park one day when he sees another guy sat on the ground playing chess with a dog.
He watches the game in amazement for a while, before he says, âWow! Thatâs the smartest dog Iâve ever seen.â
The other guy replies, âNah, heâs not so smart. âIâve beaten him three games out of five.â
The dogs in my area are so clumsy.
Iâve just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the shop.
What do you call a dog with a surround system?
A sub-woofer.
Did you hear about the dog who only ate garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite.
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs have been vanishing into thin air.
Police say they have a few leads.
What do you call a dog who designs buildings?
A bark-itect.
Why did the poor dog chase his tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What did the dalmatian say after finishing his meal?
That hit the spot.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because no-one else will do it for them
What do you call a dog in the winter?
A chilli dog.
How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put it in your back yard.
Why do dogs bury their bones in the ground?
Because you canât bury them in trees.
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlovâs dog and Schroedingerâs cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she wasnât sure if it was there or not.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
Theyâre his watch dogs.
My dog hasnât got any legs so I call him Cigarette.
Every night when I get home from work I take him for a drag.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like, he still wonât come.
Funny Puppy Jokes & Puns
What type of dog doesnât bark?
A hush puppy.
I eventually had to give in when my wife kept hounding me about getting a puppy.
What do you call a sheep dog puppy who likes cantaloupe?
A melon collie baby.
Why do they call it a litter of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house.
Whatâs a dogâs favorite type of pizza?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.
Long Dog Jokes
A little old lady takes her parrot to the vet one day.
The vet looks at the stiff and lifeless parrot and says, âIâm really sorry maâam, but this parrot is dead.â
The little old lady says, âIâm sure you canât be certain so quickly. Isnât there a way to be absolutely certain?â
At this, the vet whistles and a Labrador Retriever walks into the examining room.
The dog sniffs around the parrot for a few seconds, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The little old lady is having none of it. âA dog shakes its head and Iâm supposed to believe that?!â she shouts.
âIâm sorry, but youâre going to have to do more than that before Iâll believe my parrot is dead.â
So the vet walks out the room and comes back carrying a cat. He puts the cat on the table next to the parrot.
The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then looks at the vet, shakes his head and jumps off the table.
At last, the little old lady seems convinced.
As she is about to walk out of the door, the vet tells here that she owes him $500.
â$500?!â the little old lady shouts. âHow the heck could it be so much just to tell me my parrot is dead?â
The vet says, âWell, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scanâŠâ
One day a fly is buzzing around a wolf hound and decides to ask him, âWhat kind of dog are you?â
The dog replies, âIâm a wolf hound.â
The fly says, âA wolf hound? Thatâs an odd name. Why do they call you that?â
The dog says, âWell itâs quite simple really. My mother was a hound and my dad was a wolf.â
The fly replies, âOh, I seeâŠâ
Then the dog asks the fly, âSo, what kind of fly are you?
The fly says, âIâm a horse-fly.â
The dog says, âNOOO WAAAAYYYYY!!!â
A burglar breaks into a house one dark night and starts shining his light around looking for valuables.
He spots some valuables but as he reaches for them he hears a voice say, âJesus is watching you.â
The burglar jumps and looks around for who said it but canât see anyone. So he carries on putting valuables in his bag until once more he hears a voice say, âJesus is watching you.â
This time he looks harder and he sees a parrot.
âWho are you?â the burglar asks.
The bird replies, âMoses.â
âWho on earth would call a bird Moses?â the man laughs in relief.
âDunno,â says Moses, âI guess the same kind of people that would call a Rottweiler Jesus.â
There was a knock at my door earlier.
When I opened the door a policeman was stood there.
âMr Jones?â he asked.
âYes,â I replied.
âIâm afraid your dogâs just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.â
I said, âI donât think so. My dog doesnât have a bike.â
This dog walks into a telegraph office and picks up a blank form.
He then writes on it, âWoof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.â and hands the form to the clerk.
The clerk takes it off him, looks it over and then says, âYou know, there are only nine words here. You could add another âWoofâ for the same price.â
The dog shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief and says âBut that would make no sense at all.â
Chihuahua Puns & Jokes
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a chihuahua?
A hot, diggety dog.
If you have difficulty controlling your temper, itâs a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.
Because youâre going to need to use a little restraint.
Whatâs the difference between a chihuahua and a Jewish kid playing Hopscotch?
One is yippy and skiddish, the other is skippy and Yiddish.
I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoplesâ crotch.
Especially because heâs a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
A man guy walks into a biker bar one day and asks, âDoes anyone here own that rottweiler outside?
âYeah, I do!â says a biker says, as he stands up. âWhat about it?â
The guy says, âI think my chihuahua just killed him.â
âWhat are you talking about?!â the biker says, incredulously. âHow could your little chihuahua kill my rottweiler?â
The man says, âHe got stuck in your dogâs throat.â
Dog Knock Knock Jokes For Kids
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Defense.
Defense who?
Defense has a hole in it, thatâs how I got into your yard.
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Leash.
Leash who?
Leash you could do is open the door.
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Hugh.
Hugh who?
Hughâs a good boy? Me, right?
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut pull my dogâs tail, or heâll bite you.
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Bow.
Bow who?
Itâs not âBow whoâ, itâs âBow wow!â
Knock, knock.
Whoâs there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you walk the dog for me?
Dirty Dog Jokes
I told my friend that I made $500 a month selling dog poop.
He said, âThatâs gross!â
I said, âNo, thatâs net.â
My local zoo only has one animal in it â a dog.
Itâs a shih-tzu.
Why do dogs like conjunctions?
They just love buts.
Jokes About Dogs
If you enjoyed our collection of hilarious puns and jokes about dogs, why not check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes and laughs, such as our dog biscuit jokes, as well as these: