There’s nothing to whine about with these wine jokes – they’re grape! In fact, they’re di-vine; a barrel of laughs!
So raise your glass and enjoy this collection of funny wine jokes and puns.
Funny Wine Jokes And Puns
It’s a Bordeaux collie.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She said, “It’s me talking to the wine.
The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, “Father, have you been drinking?”
The priest replied, “Only water, officer.”
The cop then asked him, “Then why can I smell wine?”
The priest looked at the bottle and said, “Good Lord! He’s done it again.”
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
- Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
- If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
The aim is to reduce the number of trips to the bathroom that older people have to make during the night.
They’re going to call it, “Pinot More”.
I heard it through the grapevine.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be eighty, Doc?’
He looked at me and asked me, “Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?”
I said, “No, nothing like that. And I don’t do drugs either.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
I replied, “No, nothing like that.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
I said, “No, nothing like that, Doc.”
He looked at me again and said, “Then why do you even care?”
It makes you lean….
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she’d like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, “Good trade.”
Drink 5 glasses of milk and then try moving a wall. Impossible?
Now drink 5 glasses of wine.
The wall moves by itself.
Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.
“I’ve spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me.”
“Oh, that’s really nice,” she said. “What did you use to remove the stains?”
“Scissors.” I replied.
Wine Jokes And Puns
If you enjoyed these funny wine jokes and puns, check the rest of our pages for lots more really funny jokes too.