Turning 50 Jokes
Turning 50 is a big milestone but it's also a time for some gentle, good-natured jokes and mickey-taking. And to do that, you'll need some 50th birthday jokes and sayings.
So with that in mind, here's a collection of funny turning 50 jokes.
You know you're 50 when getting high means it's time to take your blood pressure medication.
You turn 50 and your head finally gets itself together. Unfortunately, your body has other ideas.
50 is the new...
What was I saying?
My doctor said that now I've turned 50 I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise.
I said, "Okay, I’ll drive with the car window open from now on."
Turning 50 means you're so old that "doing it three times a night" is how many times you get up to pee.
Turning 50 means that you spend more time trimming your nose hair than you do trimming your head hair.
After turning 50, you start to realize that your parents were right about nearly everything.
You're not 50...
You're just 49.95, plus tax.
You know you're over 50 when your body has more wrinkles than an elephant's.
Turning 50 makes you that age where your back goes out more than you do.
Turning 50 means you become bisexual.
You get screwed by both Mother Nature and Father Time.
At 50 you get the urge, but can't remember what for.
You know you’re 50 when you start taking half of a Viagra so you don’t pee on your shoes.
At 50 you no longer have hot flashes.
You have power surges.
Joe turned 50 and so he decided it would be a good idea to get a full physical examination done.
During the examination he told the doctor he felt fine, but the only problem was he now often needed to go to the bathroom during the night.
Then he added, "But you know Doc, I think God must know my eyesight is going. He puts on the light while I pee, and turns it off when I'm done."
The doctor was a bit concerned by this so after Joe had left, he called Joe's wife and told her what he had said.
She replied, "That darn fool's peeing in the refrigerator again."
50 isn't the end of the world...
But you can see it from there.
After turning 50, everything that doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You know you're 50 when you look in a full-length mirror and you can see your butt from the front.
One advantage of being over 50 is that your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
Don’t be depressed about turning 50 – you're still young enough to do the things you really want to. So go ahead and put your adult kids up for adoption.
You know you're 50 when your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart's parking lot on the first try.
Turning 50 means that punching a time clock is probably the most exercise you get all day.
The best form of birth control for those over 50 is nudity.
Now that you've turned 50, you can stop calling them "laugh lines." Nothing is that funny.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
This guy turns 50 and so thinks he ought to go to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
The doctor calls him over and says, "You're doing great, aren't you?"
The guy replies, "Just doing what you said, Doc. You told me, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor says, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17...
That's if you don't mind making a complete idiot of yourself.
You know you've turned 50 when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
At fifty you've accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century.
This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn't wiped your memory bank.
Bill is turning 50 and showing a few signs of his age so his wife convinces him to see his doctor.
The doctor can sense Bill is a little worried when he comes in so the first thing he does is ask him what's troubling him.
Bill says, "Well, I seem to be getting really forgetful. I can never remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thinks for a while then says, "Please pay me in advance."
Turning 50 Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of funny turning 50 jokes and sayings, why not check out the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes and humor, for example: