I’ve never been married.
But I’ve had a few near Mrs.
My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.
I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.
After kissing a girl on her sofa she said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
“Okay” I said, ” You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”
My wife has accused me of not having any empathy.
I don’t understand why she feels that way.
My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscope jokes.
In the end it Taurus apart.
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
But don’t worry…
Why was the chemist arrested?
He threw sodium chloride at his wife. That’s a salt.
The doctor told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
I’ve just spotted my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum.
I’m not going to go and say hi though.
There’s too much history between us.
For better or worse, enjoy the humorous side of being together with these hilariously funny marriage jokes!
I just text my girlfriend Ruth and told her that its over between us.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler.
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up…
He would be your fed ex.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends so I told her she was the only one I had been with.
The others were all eights and nines.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met.
I wouldn’t mind but I was only 20 minutes late.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.