Women laughing at hilarious joke

Happy Birthday

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

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Funny Joke

Swimming Competition

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first and the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”

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Hilarious Jokes

Make Sure She’s Dead

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”

The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”

There’s a silence…

Then a loud gunshot…

Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

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Gnome laughing at funny jokes

The Evil Eye

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I stabbed his wife.

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Women Laughing

Here To Stay

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

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