Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Upside Down Joke

The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly…..

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Homeless Woman

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Hilarious Jokes

Six Pints Of Milk

The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”

I replied, “They had avocados.”

Funny Short Joke

Father And Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Funny Autocorrect Joke

A man received a text from his neighbor:

“I’m so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘wifi’ not ‘wife’!”

Funny Joke

Just One Potato

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Tim?”

I said “Ooh, I’ll just have one please.”

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”

“Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”

Funny Short Joke

Expectant Father

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his pregnant wife was getting on.

By mistake he was connected to the Lord’s cricket ground.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” came the answer,

“We’ve got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.”