Funny Joke

Deck of Cards Joke

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

Gnome laughing at funny jokes

On Her Death Bed

A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers “Darling, I must come clean with you”.

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.

She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”

Funny Short Joke

Once, Twice, Three Times A Blonde

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?”

The big woman replies: “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6’5″, weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?”

The guy thinks about it a second and says: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Hungry Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Wedding Joke

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent…