I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy with a premature ejaculation problem came out of nowhere.
People say I’m condescending…
That means I talk down to people.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…
Don’t buy it!
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…
…teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Change is inevitable…
…except from vending machines.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ…
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
People say I’ve got no willpower.
But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago…
I’ve never looked back since.
I keep writing letters to myself.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch, it’s started suggesting I go outside.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
If you like a good one liner, you’ll enjoy this collection of onlythe best funny one liner jokes.