Hilarious Jokes

Waiting For A Bus

A guy is walking down the street one day when he spots a man with no arms or legs waiting at a bus stop.

He shouts out to him, “Hey buddy, how are you getting on?”

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Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Test Results

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse turns up to wash his hands and feet.

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

The rookie nurse is embarrassed and replies, “I don’t know, sir, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Again the nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.” as she carries on washing him.

Once more the man mumbles, “Nurse, are testicles black?”

Finally, the nurse pulls back the bed covers, lifts the man’s gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, before saying “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?”

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Funny One Liners

Unconventional Doctor

A woman walks into the doctor’s surgery but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her while she is talking to him.

So when he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she takes off her clothes. After he turns out the lights she asks, “Where should I put my clothes?”

“Just hang them up over here,” he says, “next to mine.”

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Women laughing at hilarious joke

Really Bad News

I was in the hospital visiting a friend today and I couldn’t help overhearing a doctor say to one of the other patients, “I have some bad news, and some really bad news.”

The patient asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replied, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

The patient said, “Oh my god! And what’s the really bad news?”

The doctor said, “I should have told you yesterday.”

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Hilarious Jokes

Won’t Do That Again

I knocked at my neighbor’s door today.

“Your son has just run out in front of my car,” I snapped. “I nearly killed him.”

“I’m so sorry,” she gasped. “He won’t be doing it again.”

“I know he won’t,” I replied. “The paramedic said that he was probably paralyzed.”

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Gnome laughing at funny jokes

The Evil Eye

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I stabbed his wife.

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Women Laughing

Here To Stay

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

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