Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Funny Divorce Court Joke

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

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Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Turned Down Marriage Proposal Joke

A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

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Women laughing at hilarious joke

A Happy Wife

My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.

She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.”

I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

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Funny Short Joke

Breakfast Time

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him.

She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.”

“Of course I do,” replies the guy.

“Well then, what is it?” asks his wife.

“Breakfast!”

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Hilarious Jokes

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were sat at home watching TV one night. The old man had the remote control and was constantly switching backwards and forwards between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The old woman became more and more annoyed and irritated until she finally said, “For God’s sake! Just leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!”

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Gnome laughing at funny jokes

How To Satisfy The Wife

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.

He told me I should do what he does.

I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

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Boy laughing at short funny joke

A Romantic Wife

A wife, being of romantic disposition, sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advice…”

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Short Funny Jokes

Getting Contractions

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to get contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right I’m here, what do you want me to do now?”

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Hilarious Jokes

It’s Me Or The Pub

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.

“Nothing” I slurred.

“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought, and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”

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Women laughing at hilarious joke

No Longer Needed?

My wife came home with a new vibrator today and started waving it around, shouting “I don’t need you now! I don’t need you now!”

Guess who had to put the batteries in…

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