My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.
They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.
I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”
So then they asked why I was reporting it now.
I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”
A 60 year-old billionaire gets married to a super hot 21 year old girl.
At the party after the ceremony, the billionaire is talking to an old friend who wants to know the secret of how he such a beautiful, young bride.
“It’s easy” the billionaire boasts, “I just lied about my age.”
The friend replies, “Yes, but even for a 45 year-old guy, she is stunning. By the way, what age did you tell her you are?”
With a smile, the billionaire says, “85.”
This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.
Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.
As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.
He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”