Life is for laughing as well as living and this collection of our favorite hilarious quotes on a wide range of topics is sure to make you chuckle and bring a smile to your face! Enjoy them!
37 Hilarious Quotes
Let these hilarious quotes bring some light relief to your day!
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Jim Backus
She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious – I was fast and she was furious.
Max Kauffmann
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
Anonymous
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” – you know.
Olin Miller
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
H. L. Mencken
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
Give me my golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
Alan Coren
An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.
Anonymous
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
Earl Wilson
Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available.
Joseph Heller, Catch-22
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.
David Frost
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.
Anonymous
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
Jean Kerr
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns
Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you.
Mae West
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
H. L. Mencken
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
W. C. Fields
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan
My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.
Max Kauffmann
Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery.
Anonymous
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
E. V. Lucas
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Robert Helpmann
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing.
Frederick Sawyer
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Anonymous
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Macho does not prove mucho.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
More Funny Quotes & Sayings
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