Hanukkah Jokes & Puns
Hanukkah, also known as the Festival Of Lights and the Feast Of Dedication, is a Jewish holiday that is observed for eight days and nights. It's a serious occasion, of course, but humor has its place everywhere, and so here's a collection of funny Hanukkah jokes and puns for you to enjoy.
The cashier asks, "What denomination?"
Miriam says, "Oy vey, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
He wanted cold hard cash.
As he did so, she said to him, "Awww, why are you so sweet?"
He replied, "I guess that's just the way I yam."
"Where did you get that?" John asks.
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," says Stan.
"What's Hanukkah?" John asks.
Stan replies, "It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaims. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got the previous night.
He sees that Stan is upset and asks him, "What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?"
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper as he says, "It was leftovers night."
His wife replied, "That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they're delicious."
The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "Aaron, what's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Neither, it's best to light it with a candle.
A Chinese waiter, who'd only been in New York for a year, came up and in fluent Yiddish with a perfect accent asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they asked each other.
After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did your waiter learn to speak such fantastic Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh.... He thinks we're teaching him English."
"These," he told his friend Daniel, "are what makes Jews so smart."
"Let me try one then," said Daniel. "Tell you what, I'll sell you one for $5," said Ariel.
So Daniel gave him $5 and then bit into the latke. "Hey, there's nothing special about this!" he exclaimed.
"It must be working already," said Ariel.
Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious."
A woman looks doubtfully at her husband and asks him, "Samuel, do you think it'll work?"
"Of course," Samuel replies, "Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."
The first one says, "Wow, it's getting hot with all these candles."
The second one says, "Woah, a talking menorah!"
He asked the clerk, "Do I have to stick them on myself?"
The clerk replied, "Well, it'd be better if you stuck them on the envelopes."
"You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 3A." Miriam told her grandson.
'There's a big panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the 3 button.
When you get out my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I'll open the door for you."
"Grandma, that sounds easy," her grandson replied, "But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow."
Miriam answered, "You're coming to visit empty handed?"
He's the one with his hair in dreidel-locks.
You're too young to smoke.
A burglar alarm.
"What? No, of course not," answers his father.
"Why not?" asks Nathan.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush, we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
He said, "No sir, they'll be round."
He says to the doctor, "Doc, this is awful. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "Well now the holiday is over, you need to start eating right."
One day he shows his friends what he does: he offers Jacob a choice between a nickel and a dime and when he does Jacob always chooses the nickel.
One of Noah's friends feels sorry for Jacob so he takes him to one side and says, "You know, Noah is making fun of you. Even though the nickel is bigger, the dime is worth more."
Jacob laughs and says, "I know that but if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far, I've made $20!"
An unidentified frying object.
A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.
Stick with me and we'll go places.
Because they taste funny.
Hanukkah Puns & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of Hanukkah jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these other holiday jokes: