Hanukkah Jokes & Puns
Hanukkah, also known as the Festival Of Lights and the Feast Of Dedication, is a Jewish holiday that is observed for eight days and nights. It's a serious occasion, of course, but humor has its place everywhere, and so here's a collection of funny Hanukkah jokes and puns for you to enjoy.
Mary goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards one year. She says to the cashier, "Please may I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The cashier asks, "What denomination?"
Miriam says, "Oy vey, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Why did the boy put his Hanukkah money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash.
A latke gave his mother a gift.
As he did so, she said to him, "Awww, why are you so sweet?"
He replied, "I guess that's just the way I yam."
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 4 to John.
"Where did you get that?" John asks.
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," says Stan.
"What's Hanukkah?" John asks.
Stan replies, "It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaims. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got the previous night.
He sees that Stan is upset and asks him, "What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?"
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper as he says, "It was leftovers night."
One Hanukkah, a Jewish husband said to his wife, "I think there's something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful."
His wife replied, "That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they're delicious."
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah.
The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "Aaron, what's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Which hand is it better to light the menorah with?
Neither, it's best to light it with a candle.
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter, who'd only been in New York for a year, came up and in fluent Yiddish with a perfect accent asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they asked each other.
After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did your waiter learn to speak such fantastic Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh.... He thinks we're teaching him English."
Ariel took latkes to school for lunch during Hanukkah.
"These," he told his friend Daniel, "are what makes Jews so smart."
"Let me try one then," said Daniel. "Tell you what, I'll sell you one for $5," said Ariel.
So Daniel gave him $5 and then bit into the latke. "Hey, there's nothing special about this!" he exclaimed.
"It must be working already," said Ariel.
It was Hanukkah and the tiny Hungarian village was afraid they may not have any latkes because they'd run out of flour.
Rudi, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour, and the latkes will be just as delicious."
A woman looks doubtfully at her husband and asks him, "Samuel, do you think it'll work?"
"Of course," Samuel replies, "Everybody knows Rudolph the Rab knows grain, dear."
Two menorahs are sitting in the window.
The first one says, "Wow, it's getting hot with all these candles."
The second one says, "Woah, a talking menorah!"
One day, Benjamin went to buy some stamps to send out his Hanukkah cards.
He asked the clerk, "Do I have to stick them on myself?"
The clerk replied, "Well, it'd be better if you stuck them on the envelopes."
It was just before Hanukkah and Miriam, a grandmother, was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife for the first time since Miriam had moved to her new apartment.
"You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 3A." Miriam told her grandson.
'There's a big panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the 3 button.
When you get out my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I'll open the door for you."
"Grandma, that sounds easy," her grandson replied, "But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow."
Miriam answered, "You're coming to visit empty handed?"
How can you recognize a Hanukkah hippie?
He's the one with his hair in dreidel-locks.
How much Hanukkah gelt did the skunk get?
What did the older Hanukkah candle say to the younger one?
You're too young to smoke.
What's the best Hanukkah gift for someone who has everything?
A burglar alarm.
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbour's windows one year, Nathan asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not," answers his father.
"Why not?" asks Nathan.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush, we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
I asked the waiter if my latkes would be long.
He said, "No sir, they'll be round."
The day after Hanukkah, a man walks into the doctor's office. He has a banana stuck in one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear and a stick of celery up his nose.
He says to the doctor, "Doc, this is awful. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "Well now the holiday is over, you need to start eating right."
Noah is always teasing his little brother Jacob.
One day he shows his friends what he does: he offers Jacob a choice between a nickel and a dime and when he does Jacob always chooses the nickel.
One of Noah's friends feels sorry for Jacob so he takes him to one side and says, "You know, Noah is making fun of you. Even though the nickel is bigger, the dime is worth more."
Jacob laughs and says, "I know that but if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far, I've made $20!"
What do you call the speck that falls into the latke pan?
An unidentified frying object.
What's green, spins round and has wheels?
A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.
What did the stamp say to the Hanukkah card?
Stick with me and we'll go places.
Why aren't clowns eaten at Hanukkah?
Because they taste funny.
Why was the broom late for work after the Hanukkah party?
Hanukkah Puns & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of Hanukkah jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these other holiday jokes: