Funny St. Patrick's Day Jokes
St. Patrick's Day takes place annually on the 17th March, on the anniversary of the death of Ireland's most famous saint. And what better way to celebrate than with some funny S.t Patrick's Day jokes!
Of course, celebrations aren't just restricted to Ireland with much festivity occurring in places such as the USA, Great Britain and even Argentina. Most of these celebrations involve the displaying of the color green and copious amounts of eating and drinking which always sounds like a good idea to us!
Here's our selection of funny St. Patrick's Day jokes to help you celebrate...
I went out drinking last St. Patrick's Day so I took the bus home.
That might not be a big deal to you but I've never driven a bus before!
Two Irish drunks are walking home after a little too much celebration on St Patrick's Day.
As they stumbled up the country road in the dark, Paddy says, "Bejeesus, Mick, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
Mick replies, "Glory be, Paddy and was it anybody we knew?"
Paddy says, "No, it was someone called 'Miles from Dublin'."
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.
Paddy walked into a bar on St. Patrick's Day and started ordering martini after martini.
With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave.
As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?"
"Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Never iron a four leaf clover - you don't want to press your luck...
It's St. Patrick's Day and a pub in London has a ventriloquist act on who is telling Irish jokes.
Suddenly a drunk, angry Irishman stands up shouting, "You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I should punch you in the nose."
The ventriloquist says, "I'm sorry, sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?
Because real rocks are too heavy.
Paddy's wife is drunk and emotional after a long St. Patrick's Day celebration.
She says to her husband, "Paddy, we've been married a long time. You're a good looking man and I think you've slept with a lot of women. I won't be mad but I'd like to know how many, if any."
Paddy replies, "You should know I never slept with anyone but you, my dear. All the rest I was awake."
A group of Irish mountaineers attempted to scale Mount Everest to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. It was a valiant effort but it failed when they ran out of scaffolding.
It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
As the robber is leaving with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs his hood and pulls it off revealing his face.
The robber shoots the guy dead.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him so the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead too.
Everyone is now terrified and looking down at the floor.
The robber shouts angrily, "Did anyone else see my face?"
There's a brief silence then one elderly Irish man, still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford the plane fare.
Here's a recipe for St. Patrick's Day Irish stew:
Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness.
Drink all of the beer.
Forget about the stew.
An Irish woman called the doctor to her house because her husband wouldn't get out of bed.
"What's wrong with him?" asked the doctor.
"I don't know," she replied. "He swallowed a spoon on St. Patrick's Day and he hasn't stirred since."
Paddy wakes up in hospital the morning after St. Patrick's Day, covered in bandages.
He notices Mick sitting at his bedside so he asks him, "What happened to me?"
"Well," replies Mick, "You had a few too many drinks celebrating St. Patrick's Day last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out the window and fly around the pub."
"What! Why didn't you stop me?" asks Paddy.
Mick says, "Stop you? Hell, I bet fifty dollars on you."
How did the Irish jig get started?
Too many drinks and not enough restrooms!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.
I said to my friend, "I know a girl who married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
He said, "Oh really?"
I said, "No, O'Reilly."
A tourist is in Cork but wants to go to Dublin for the St. Patrick's Day celebrations. He stops Paddy in the street and asks him, "Excuse me, can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The tourist says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York for the St. Patrick's Day parade and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car, so he asks the priest, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle, picks it up, sniffs it and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put two shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter.
A passer-by is watching two Irishmen working in a park on St Patrick's Day.
One of the men was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
The passer-by was curious and asked the men, "Tell me. What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the man who was digging, "There's usually three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. But today Paddy is off work ill. But that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, now does it?"
There was a sign in a bar on St. Patrick's Day: "Happy hour – all you can drink for $1."
Murphy went up to the bar and said "I'll have two dollar's worth please."
Two Irishmen were stopped by the police for jay walking on St Patrick's Day.
"Name?" says the policeman to the first one.
"O'Connor" he replies.
"Address?" asks the policeman.
"No fixed abode" says O’Connor.
The policeman turns to the second Irishman.
"And you?" he asked.
The second Irishman replies, "Murphy, and I live in the flat above him…"
This Irish woman has been feeling under the weather so she goes to the doctors but after examining her he says, "I'm sorry but I can't work out what's wrong with you. I think it must be the drink."
She replies, "Oh don't worry, I'll come back when you're sober."
Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St. Patrick's Day.
As they were flying through the air O'Reilly, the pilot, turned to his friend behind him and shouted, "Murphy, this is fun. I'm going to fly upside down."
"Bejeesus, O'Reilly", shouted Murphy, "Don't do that, we'll fall out."
"Ah, no we won't," replied O'Toole, "I'll still talk to you."
Why don't women want to get engaged on St. Patrick's Day?
Because they don't want to get a "sham rock".
Paddy has had a little too much to drink celebrating St. Patrick's Day but nevertheless he foolishly decides to drive home.
Of course, his car is weaving all over the road and he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop looks at him and says, "So, where have you been?"
Paddy slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course."
"Well," says the cop, "It look's like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," replies Paddy with a smile.
The cop stands up straight and folds his arms across his chest, as he asks, "Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of your car?"
Paddy says, "Oh, thank heavens! For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
What do you call a big Irish spider?
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
One St. Patrick's day, Mrs Murphy answers her door to see her husband's best friend, Paddy, standing there.
She says, "Hello Paddy, but where's my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shakes his head sadly and says, "Ah Mrs Murphy, I'm so sorry. There was a terrible accident at the beer factory. You see, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
Mrs Murphy starts sobbing, "Oh begorrah, don't tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head again and says, "No, not really. He got out 3 times to pee!"
St. Patrick's Day Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny St. Patrick's Day jokes, why not check out our other holiday jokes such as these: