Funny St Patrick's Day Jokes
St Patrick's Day takes place annually on the 17th March, on the anniversary of the death of Ireland's most famous saint. And what better way to celebrate than with some funny St Patrick's Day jokes!
Of course, celebrations aren't just restricted to Ireland with much festivity occurring in places such as the USA, Great Britain and even Argentina. Most of these celebrations involve the displaying of the color green and copious amounts of eating and drinking which always sounds like a good idea to us!
Here's our selection of funny St Patrick's Day jokes to help you celebrate...
That might not be a big deal to you but I've never driven a bus before!
As they stumbled up the country road in the dark, Paddy says, "Bejeesus, Mick, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"
Mick replies, "Glory be, Paddy and was it anybody we knew?"
Paddy says, "No, it was someone called 'Miles from Dublin'."
Because they're always a little short.
With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave.
As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?"
"Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Suddenly a drunk, angry Irishman stands up shouting, "You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I should punch you in the nose."
The ventriloquist says, "I'm sorry, sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."
Because real rocks are too heavy.
She says to her husband, "Paddy, we've been married a long time. You're a good looking man and I think you've slept with a lot of women. I won't be mad but I'd like to know how many, if any."
Paddy replies, "You should know I never slept with anyone but you, my dear. All the rest I was awake."
As the robber is leaving with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs his hood and pulls it off revealing his face.
The robber shoots the guy dead.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him so the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead too.
Everyone is now terrified and looking down at the floor.
The robber shouts angrily, "Did anyone else see my face?"
There's a brief silence then one elderly Irish man, still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."
He couldn't afford the plane fare.
Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness.
Drink all of the beer.
Forget about the stew.
"What's wrong with him?" asked the doctor.
"I don't know," she replied. "He swallowed a spoon on St Patrick's Day and he hasn't stirred since."
He notices Mick sitting at his bedside so he asks him, "What happened to me?"
"Well," replies Mick, "You had a few too many drinks celebrating St Patrick's Day last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out the window and fly around the pub."
"What! Why didn't you stop me?" asks Paddy.
Mick says, "Stop you? Hell, I bet fifty dollars on you."
Too many drinks and not enough restrooms!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.
He said, "Oh really?"
I said, "No, O'Reilly."
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The tourist says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car, so he asks the priest, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle, picks it up, sniffs it and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Put two shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.
He's Dublin over with laughter.
One of the men was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
The passer-by was curious and asked the men, "Tell me. What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the man who was digging, "There's usually three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. But today Paddy is off work ill. But that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, now does it?"
Murphy went up to the bar and said "I'll have two dollar's worth please."
"Name?" says the policeman to the first one.
"O'Connor" he replies.
"Address?" asks the policeman.
"No fixed abode" says O’Connor.
The policeman turns to the second Irishman.
"And you?" he asked.
The second Irishman replies, "Murphy, and I live in the flat above him…"
She replies, "Oh don't worry, I'll come back when you're sober."
As they were flying through the air O'Reilly, the pilot, turned to his friend behind him and shouted, "Murphy, this is fun. I'm going to fly upside down."
"Bejeesus, O'Reilly", shouted Murphy, "Don't do that, we'll fall out."
"Ah, no we won't," replied O'Toole, "I'll still talk to you."
Because they don't want to get a "sham rock".
Of course, his car is weaving all over the road and he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop looks at him and says, "So, where have you been?"
Paddy slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course."
"Well," says the cop, "It look's like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," replies Paddy with a smile.
The cop stands up straight and folds his arms across his chest, as he asks, "Did you know that a few intersections back your wife fell out of your car?"
Paddy says, "Oh, thank heavens! For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
She says, "Hello Paddy, but where's my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shakes his head sadly and says, "Ah Mrs Murphy, I'm so sorry. There was a terrible accident at the beer factory. You see, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
Mrs Murphy starts sobbing, "Oh begorrah, don't tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head again and says, "No, not really. He got out 3 times to pee!"
Funny St Patrick's Day Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny St Patrick's Day jokes, why not check out our other holiday jokes such as these: