Funny Squirrel Jokes And Puns
You'd have to be nuts not to laugh at funny squirrel jokes!
Even though squirrel puns can be a bit of a "gray" area, once you've "red" these ones, you'll understand what we mean.
So enjoy this collection of the best funny squirrel jokes and puns that we've put together just "fur" you.
And once you've finished, take a look at the rest of our animal jokes pages too.
Squirrel Puns & Jokes
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.
I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.
That'll blow his mind.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered" "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked."
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a heavy sigh.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior said. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Bill is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road.
He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate.
As he gets closer, he sees it's a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in poop.
"The poor wee animal," thinks Bill, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.
When he's finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in poop.
Bill sets about wiping the poop off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it's plastered in poop as well.
"What is going on here?" says Bill, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.
Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes saying, "Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I'm running out of squirrels."
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Funny Squirrel Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny squirrel jokes, be sure to check out our other funny animal jokes too, including these: