Smiley laughing at funny one liner

Here To Stay

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

Smiley grinning at funny joke

Jump Leads

Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.

The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”

Smiley in sunglasses laughing at really funny joke

If You’re Bored

Bored?

Simply sneak into your local hospital, find someone who looks a bit worried in the waiting area and then walk up to them and say, “I’m terribly sorry – we lost him.”

Funny face laughing at hilarious clean joke

Family Troubles

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Smiley grinning at funny joke

Bear With Me

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and………

…….soda.”

The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

Rabbit laughing at funny joke

Guitar Attack

I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”

I said, “Is that a fret?”

Grinning at good joke

Hard To Get Hold Of

“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.

“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”

“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.

“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.

I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

Smiley laughing at extremely funny joke!

Difficult Text

It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away…

Especially when your name is Lol.

Smiley laughing at a good joke

Pasta Joke

My sister bet me 100 dollars that I couldn’t build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta…

Smiley sticking tongue out at funny joke

Unbalanced

I was at the cash machine the other day when a little old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance for her.

So I pushed her over.