What do iPhones eat for breakfast?
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine.
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever.
Parking a single car doesn’t need much space.
But parking 200 cars, now that needs a lot.
The final four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent.
They’re just waiting their turn.
My parents read the book I was writing.
They said the main character wasn’t likeable.
It’s an autobiography.
My son asked my how you can tell if someone is an alcoholic.
I said, “Do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”
My son said, “But Dad, I only see two.”
Give a man a gun, he can rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, he can rob the world.
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
“Thank you for calling the NSA…”
“The only government organization that actually listens to you.”
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.
They’re all fake.
Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.
The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.
As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.
I just wanted to make that clear.
What does the military use acid for?
To neutralize the enemy base.
If you struggle cutting cake…
Is it still a piece of cake?