Boy laughing at short funny joke

What He Would Have Wanted

My friend drowned and it was his funeral yesterday. All his friends clubbed together and we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Not The End Of The World

I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was. He got upset when I told him I didn’t know.

I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

Hilarious Jokes

Cardiologist’s Funeral

This world-renowned cardiologist sadly died. He was so famous he was given an extremely elaborate funeral that was attended by his fellow physicians, family members, friends and members of the public who he’d treated over the years.

During the service, there was a huge heart made out of flowers that stood behind the casket. At the end of the service, the heart opened and the casket slowly rolled inside. When the casket had disappeared, the heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

Everyone was very emotional and crying at this beautiful moment, except for one mourner who burst into laughter. Everyone turned to stare angrily at him.

He said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral – I’m a gynaecologist.”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

De-Icing The Car

This morning I got up out of bed and then looked out of my window to see what the weather was like.

I saw a guy in a black hooded robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe, so I thought I’d do the neighborly thing and go out and help him.

I was just about to walk out of the door when my wife grabbed me and shouted, “Stop! You’re de-icing with death.”

Women laughing at hilarious joke

Stopped For Speeding

A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?”

The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.”

The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Mark My Words

I’ve been sleeping with this other guy’s wife and he found out and sent me a text the other day. It said, “You go near my wife again and ill kill you. Mark my words!”

I replied, “8 out of 10. I’ll needs an apostrophe and a capital ‘I'”.

Funny Joke

Woman On Trial

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. The judge asked “First offender?”

She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Congress Has Been Taken Hostage

I was stuck in traffic outside Washington DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window. I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”

He said, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they are not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collection donations.”

“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.

He said, “About a gallon…”

Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Worst Train Driver

My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”

I said, “It’s hard to keep track…”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Call Me The Hoff

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”

The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”