Smiley giving thumbs up to funny joke

Deck of Cards Joke

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

Rabbit laughing at funny joke

On Her Death Bed

A young woman is lying on her death bed close to the end. Her husband comes into the room and gently takes hold of her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters up what’s left of her strength and whispers “Darling, I must come clean with you”.

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.

She ignores him and continues anyway telling him that she hasn’t been completely faithful to him and that she’s had multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies “I know darling, why do you think I poisoned you?”

Smiley giving thumbs up to funny joke

Mugging

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “He’s giving me a good run for my money.”

Smiley laughing at a good joke

Tough Choice

My wife just rang me.

She said, “The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”

“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”

I said, “David.”

Smiley sticking tongue out at funny joke

Pickpocket

I was walking through town the other day when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf.

I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.

Rabbit laughing at funny joke

Psycopath

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”

Laughing at funny short joke

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Smiley in sunglasses laughing at really funny joke

Not Happy

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

Rabbit laughing at funny joke

Sunrise

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

Smiley laughing at a good joke

Wrong House

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, “I’ve got a parcel for your next door neighbor.”

I said, “You’ve got the wrong house then, mate.”

Funny face laughing at hilarious clean joke

eBay

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.