Boy laughing at short funny joke

Congress Has Been Taken Hostage

I was stuck in traffic outside Washington DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window. I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”

He said, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they are not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collection donations.”

“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.

He said, “About a gallon…”

Gnome laughing at funny jokes

Worst Train Driver

My boss said to me today, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many trains have you derailed so far?”

I said, “It’s hard to keep track…”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Call Me The Hoff

David Hasselhoff calls his agent and demands, “I want everyone to call me Hoff from now on.”

The agent replies, “Sure, no hassle.”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Scare The Driver

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed in fright, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to frighten you. I just wanted to ask you something.”

The taxi driver said “It’s ok, it’s not your fault, Sir. You see this is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.

Hilarious Jokes

Down The Pan

A cop searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found my stash of drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try and flush them down the toilet, somehow they always appear back in my pocket again. It must be magic.”

The cop laughed and asked, “Do you really think that I’m going to believe that?”

I said, “I can prove it if you want me to.”

“Ok, go on then.” he smiled, as he gave me the bag of drugs.

After I’d flushed them down the toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, “Well, go on. Show me your pocket then!”

“What for?” I asked.

He said, “The drugs.”

I said, “What drugs?”

Women laughing at hilarious joke

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting.

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

Boy laughing at short funny joke

Batman Impression

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”

I said, “Go on, then.”

He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Funny Short Joke

Password Strength

My computer said I had to change my password.

I entered “beefstew”.

My computer said “Sorry password not stroganoff.”

Funny Short Joke

Weak Willed

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I’m easily lead.