Math Teacher

I’ve decided to become a math teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

Californian Mechanic

When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”

Number Fight

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.

He says to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”

Calculus Professor

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Museum Worker

I was at the museum recently.

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.

He said no, they had to stay on the walls.

Suitcase Packing

You know what I love doing more than anything?

Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

Gold Prospector

One entrepreneur says to another, “I’ve just been in the Far East prospecting for gold.”

“Japan?” asks the second entrepreneur.

“No,” replies the first, “I used much more scientific methods.”

Pizza Delivery Guy

Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over.

This is known as the Domino’s effect.

Flat Earther

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat.

I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around.

Strange Disease

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.

I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.

He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.

Which Is Heavier?

Which is heavier, one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

New House

I was showing my friend my new house.

“So this is my house,” I said.

He said, “What’s upstairs?”

I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”

Untruthful Friend

My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.

One Loaf

How do you feed 1,000 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now you have endless bread.

Money Find

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.

Hanging Baskets

My business making and selling hanging baskets has just gone bust.

It’s sad really, they looked great with Pansies, Lobelias and Marigolds. Sadly, no Fuchsia in it.