Penis Jokes & Puns
We thought it was about time we got up a collection of penis jokes and puns. After all, we wouldn't want you getting salty about the lack of them or we'd be shafted.
And the good news is they keep up our tradition of only bringing you the very best jokes. Enjoy!
Funny Penis Jokes
Bill went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."
With that Bill dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor just couldn't help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me. I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Bill said, "It's swollen."
What did the vagina say to the penis?
So do you cum here often?
Two deaf people got married one day.
During the first night of their honeymoon, they discover they're unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife comes up with a solution.
"Honey," she signs to her husband, "Why don't we agree on some simple physical signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A couple on the first night of their honeymoon are in their hotel room nervously undressing.
The groom removes his socks and the bride looks at his feet and asks him, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled."
The groom replies, "I had Tolio as a child."
The bride is a little confused and asks, "You mean Polio?"
The groom insists, "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."
The groom then removes his pants and the bride looks at his legs and asks him, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed."
The groom replies, "As a child I had Kneasles."
The bride is again confused and asks, "You mean Measles?"
The groom is again insistent, "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The groom next removes his boxers and the bride takes a look and asks him, "Why are you spotted?"
The groom answers, "As a child I had smallpox."
The bride says, "I hope you don't mean Smallcox!"
What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night long.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there's a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and they both return to the mirror.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Once again, there's a bright flash...
And then the husband's legs fall off.
What do you call an endowed puppet?
A mortician was working late one evening.
It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Joe and Sally were drunkenly walking home from the bar one evening when Sally says, "I need a pee."
She then goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Now Pete's feeling horny, so he puts his hand through the bush only to feel something dangling between Sally's legs.
Shocked, he asks, "Have you changed sex?"
Sally replies, "No, I've changed my mind. I'm having a dump!"
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, give me a beer."
The bartender decides to have a little fun so he replies, "Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I'll give you a free beer and $500."
The guy walks outside and whispers something to the horse. The horse begins laughing uncontrollably.
The guy walks back in to the bar and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's my $500 and free beer?"
The bartender doesn't want to pay up so he says, "Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry."
So the guy walks outside again while the bartender chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass, thinking there's no way the guy can make a horse cry.
As a result he misses what the guy does, but then he hears the horse crying.
The guy comes back in and says. "Alright, where's my $1,000 and two free beers?"
The bartender can't believe what's happened but honors his debt. He also asks the guy, "Tell me, what did you say to make the horse laugh?"
The guy replies, "I told him I have a bigger penis than him."
The bartender then asks, "Okay, but what on earth did you do to make him cry?"
The guy says, "I showed him."
What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me I'm going in.
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.
As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.
So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.
It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever did.
However, when he tried to withdraw his penis from the machine, he realized he couldn't get it out.
In a panic, he read the manual but still couldn't find a way out.
He hurriedly tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work.
Finally, he decided he'd have to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line for help.
When he got through, he said, "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service guy on the other end of the line, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
Ed decided to propose to his girlfriend, Susie.
Susie said before she could accept she must confess about her childhood illness.
She then went on to tell Ed she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old.
Ed said it was okay because he loved her so much. He went on, !I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
Susie replied, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis."
So Ed and Susie duly got married. On their wedding day they couldn't wait to be alone so Ed whisked his new bride off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Susie put her hands in Ed's pants, she screamed and ran out of the room.
Ed ran after her and when he caught up with her, asked what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Ed said, "Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
Because his pecker is on his head.
A woman who is pregnant with triples is taken hostage during an armed robbery at the bank.
The robber shoots her three times in the stomach before he's shot dead by the cops.
Amazingly, the woman survives the ordeal and even more amazingly all her babies survive too and she happily gives birth to two girls and a boy.
Fifteen years later, she comes home from work to find her first daughter crying. She asks her what's wrong, and her daughter tells her she went for a wee and a bullet came out.
She reassures her this is nothing to worry about, and tells her the story of what happened when she was pregnant.
The next day when she arrives home from work, she finds her second daughter crying, who also says she went for a wee and a bullet came out. Once again the woman tells the story of what happened when she was pregnant.
The day after that, she comes home from work and finds her son crying. So she asks him if he went for a wee and had a bullet come out.
He looks at her confused and replies, ''No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!''
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get an erection.
He says, "Doc, I just can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back. Please help me!"
The doctor says, " Well, there is a new experimental procedure I read about where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis. This gives you back the full use of your penis."
The man in his desperation eagerly agrees to try the procedure.
Some time after the operation, the man is at dinner with a new date when he feels a rustle in his pants.
He ignores it but a short time later it happens again.
The man figures his penis just needs a little air so he unzips his pants to let it out.
That seems to fix the problem for a while until his penis reaches up onto the table, grabs a roll and disappears back under the table.
His date stares in complete awe, totally amazed by what just happened, and asks, "Can you do that again".
The guy says, Probably, but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
An embarrassed guy goes to see his doctor and tells him, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says to him, "Bring your wife back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So the next day, the worried man returns with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes, please. Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor then takes the husband to one side and tells him, "You're in perfect health. Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
What do you call a sunburned penis?
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "Oh my gosh, what's wrong with them?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."
The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"
Where does a penis get its sports gear?
Dick's Sporting Goods.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in.
A man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. He said, "Oh, I'm so sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me."
The woman replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow then I'm staying in room 127."
What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
Why do men fart louder than women?
Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
A man was having problems with his penis which it must be said had certainly seen better times.
So he went to see his doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, "I'm sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out; you only have 30 erections left."
The man walked home in a depressed state and told his wife what the doctor had said.
She said, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
The man replied, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
A little girl and a little boy were playing in the woods one day, when the little girl asked the boy, "What's a penis?"
The boy replied, "I don't know," and just as he did he heard his mum calling him for lunch so he went home and ate it. Afterwards, he saw his dad on the couch, so he asked him, "Dad, what's a penis?"
The dad whipped his manhood out and said to his son, "This is a penis, son, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The next day the same boy and girl were playing in the woods and the girl again asked the boy what a penis is.
This time, the boy whipped out his penis and said to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
The teacher walked into her classroom one day to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board.
She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything but merely rubbed it out and went on with the class.
The next day when she came in, she found the same thing again, the word "penis" but this time written slightly larger.
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.
The next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.
This went on for a week, every day the word penis getting bigger.
Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up, "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A man says to his wife one day, "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies, "You have a bigger penis than your brother!"
At an army training camp in Florida, the sergeant is giving a talk, "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and now I'm going to demonstrate to you just commitment is."
At that point, an alligator came in the room and bit the sergeant's penis. It stayed there with its jaws around his penis for about ten seconds before the sergeant poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.
"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" asked the sergeant.
A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."
How many knees do men have?
Three. Their right knee, their left knee and their wee-knee.
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said, "I wanna be a plumber."
The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark."
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So, I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
A guy goes to the store and buys a new computer.
He takes it home and sets it up on his desk. Creating a master account, the computer asks him for his password.
He enters the word penis.
The computer responds, "Your password is not long enough."
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman loses it and reaches over and slices off the mans penis, which she angrily tosses out the window.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.
All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "It sure had a big dick."
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
She started screaming to her husband, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it, get that thing out of me!"
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the b*stard!"
Penis Jokes & Puns
If you enjoyed our collection of Penis jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of our sex jokes for lots more laughs, including these: