I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door…
the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently.
Since then we’ve drifted apart.
My wife asked my to play doctor with her.
She’s now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom.
My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as “me and my smelly bum.”
Well, I don’t like him sleeping on the street.
A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
My wife left me because of my depression.
Which cheered me right up.
My wife was furious with me today.
I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My wife just told me that in 9 months I’ll have a little surprise!
I can’t wait for Santa to come now… I hope it’s an Xbox.
“I can see you standing in front of a log cabin in the middle of a huge storm, and fir trees are standing behind you,” said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball.
I said, “I think that’s actually a snow globe you’ve picked up there.”
My Granddad said to me, “Your life revolves too much around technology these days.”
I said, “No, yours does.”
Then I unplugged his life support.
I’ve just had a book published about saving the rainforest and what we as a human race can do about it.
It’s over 2,000 pages long.
How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go ride our bikes!
My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said, “Look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.”
She said, “He wasn’t ill, he died all of a sudden.”
I said, “I know, I meant being married to you.”
I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite.
I ended up picking 7 Up.
It was so cold today…
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.
Which is probably why his submarine sank.
I went to the doctors today and he told me I was overweight.
I said, “I want a second opinion.”
He said, “Ok, you’re ugly too.”
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.
I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.
Men at 25 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 60 play golf.
Have you noticed how as you get older your balls get smaller?
I’ve invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.
Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
I tried using a colander to view the solar eclipse yesterday.
I think I’ve strained my eyes.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller.
“Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”
I have a nagging, paranoid feeling that my dictaphone is close to full capacity.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
A turtle was walking down the street when he was attacked by a gang of snails.
When asked by the police what happened he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so quickly.”
Bob walks into a bar and sits next to a man who has a dog next to him.
He says to the man, “Has your dog ever bitten anyone?”
The man replies, “No” but then the dog jumps up and bites Bob on the arm.
“I thought you said your dog’s never bitten anyone!” shouts Bob.
The man says, “I know. That’s not my dog.”
My friend has always been the kind of guy that gets stressed over everything.
Lately though he doesn’t have a care in the world so I asked him, “Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?”
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “It only costs me a thousand dollars a week.”
“A thousand dollars a week? How on earth are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“I don’t know. That’s his problem…”
I’ve just got back from my friend’s funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a policeman was stood there.
“Mr Jones?”, he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
I went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.
He was so bad, a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself…
“This milk must be seriously out of date.”
A blonde woman goes to the vet with her goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt.
Then it clicked.
I’ve invented an invisibility cloak – anything under becomes completely invisible.
I’m still working out the kinks though… You can still see the cloak itself.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked “Do you know what time it is?”
Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.
I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.
I watched a documentary on how ships are held together.
Riveting!
I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down”.
My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.
Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer.
People say I’m condescending…
That means I talk down to people.
I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other.
I was tossing and turning all night.
My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
I was attacked by a gang of mime artists yesterday.
They did unspeakable things to me.
One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say.
It ruined our bath.
My friend’s bakery caught fire and burned to the ground last night.
Now his business is toast.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbor said, “Are you going to help?”
I said, “No, six should be enough.”
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.
He hasn’t said so, but I know that he’s thinking it.
