Joke Of The Day Archives

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying, “Here comes the train”, and we always used to eat it straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.

What program do Jedi use to open PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi.

Have you ever tried blind folded archery?

You don’t know what you’re missing.

Remember as a child when air for your bike was free? Now it’s $1.50!

I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said, “Inflation.”

I used to know a baker who had red hair.

He was a ginger bread man.

My wife said to me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?”

I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”

I asked my Dad what it was like learning Braille, but he didn’t want to tell me.

I didn’t realize it was such a touchy subject.

If I don’t perfect human cloning…

I won’t be able to live with myself.

I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.

They reduced meowers.

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results where exactly as I expected.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

“Meet Patty.”

I went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella?

A cheesy pick up line.

If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on…

I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative…

Announce that you won the lottery and you’ll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

I ate at the Mary Poppins Restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

I’ve just spotted my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum.

I’m not going to go and say hi though.

There’s too much history between us.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

If someone wants to say the word “motel” backwards…

Just letom.

The name’s Bond.

Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a …

These damn millennials…

Walking around like they rent the place.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

What has 8 legs, 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

Robin: The batmobile won’t start.

Batman: Check the battery.

Robin: What’s a tery?

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a tree.

Upon arrival at the tree he started swinging at the tree. “But, I’m a talking tree,” said the tree.

“And you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff.

My wife asked if I was going to yoga with her.

I said, “Namaste home today.”

I got pulled over by the cops and asked if I had a police record.

I said, “No, but I’ve got a Sting album.”

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?

A pi-thon.

I recently took up meditation.

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him …

With my bear hands.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on the Hulk.

He’s essentially a giant banner.

My wife spilled her red hair coloring all over the bathroom.

It looked like somebody dyed in there.

What did 20 do when he was hungry? 28.

I just text my girlfriend Ruth and told her that its over between us.

I’m Ruthless.

A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you’ve walked.

Clever clogs.

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD…

I’d have 1,526 pennies.

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg…

You can actually hear them say, “What the heck are you doing?”

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

I’m combining Easter and April Fool’s day this year.

I’m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven’t hidden.

We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he’s Gladiator.

What do you call Al Gore dancing?

Algorythym.