Climbing Center

I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

You couldn’t make it up!

iPad Thief

Great news! The police arrested the man who stole my iPad.

I hope he’s going to face time.

Noise Levels Book

I asked a librarian if they had any books on “different noise levels”.

The librarian said, “Sure! What volume would you like?”

Hungry Cannibals

Cannibals will never go hungry.

They can always make themselves a snack.

Sock Stealing Neighbor

I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline.

I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.

Coffee Severance

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

Sniper

Bit of a long shot …

Does anyone know a sniper?

Largest Bed Sheet

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet.

More on this story, as it unfolds.

Tool Fetcher

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.

He’s not perfect.

But he knows the drill.

Vegetarian Girlfriend

My girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

Initial Tattoo Tip

Pro tip: It’s not wise to get a tattoo with the initials of the person you’re dating.

Especially if they’re “DNR”.

Tropical Fruit Diet

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of stuff.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Photography Puns

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns.

I said, “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative. Let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash …

Birthday Card

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.

I knew right away who sent it; it was my uncle Ben.

New Baby

My friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”

My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”

Female Boxer

I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She’s going for the ribs.

IKEA Fire Drill

There was a fire drill at IKEA today.

We all assembled in the car park.

Sedimentary Rock

“Look,” said the geologist, “I don’t care what you’ve heard. Sandstone is a sedimentary rock.”

“It’s been settled.”

Rastafarian Hair

My girlfriend asked me to do her hair like a Rastafarian.

I’m dreading it.

Trick Or Treaters

I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, two dressed up as cops.

McDonald’s Burger

McDonald’s are now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers.

Just had a quarter panda.

Soccer Player

Playing soccer as a young boy, I would run around the pitch randomly shouting 66, 78, 93, 139, 267.

I was just there to make the numbers up.

Teabag Row

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

Brittle Bones Society

A guy just offered me fifty thousand a year to work for him at the Brittle Bones Society.

I snapped his hand off.

Louder Books

I’m writing a series of books about making things louder.

I’m on the final volume now.

Film Pause

Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

Bad Sculptor

When did the block of marble realize she should really get a better sculptor?

When he took her for granite.

Clever Fish

What do you call a fish that has completed 8 years of medical school?

A brain sturgeon.

Company 401k

My HR rep at work wants me to sign up for the company’s 401k.

But there’s no way I can run that far.

Best Roofer

My son might not be the best roofer in the world.

But he is up there.

Cold Air Balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

100 Push-ups

My son told me he just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups, and asked me if I could do that.

“Sure, son,” I said. “Heck, I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight push-ups.”

Gym Membership

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going there in person to see what’s really going on.

Trampoline Spring

Did you hear about the boy who was impaled by a trampoline spring?

He’s hurt, but will bounce back.

Oils Book

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants.

It was in the non-friction section.

Train Hearing

How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers.

Bank Robbers

Why did the bank robbers call their travel agent?

To plan a getaway.

Camping Holiday

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered.

Labyrinth Visit

Just got back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

It was only a minor tour.

Helium Balloon Luggage

BREAKING NEWS! Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise.

Wimbledon Bar

I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.

I got served straight away.

Flashdance

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.

What a feline!