Climbing Center
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.
You couldn’t make it up!
I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.
You couldn’t make it up!
I love giant squid jokes.
They’re always kraken me up!
Great news! The police arrested the man who stole my iPad.
I hope he’s going to face time.
I asked a librarian if they had any books on “different noise levels”.
The librarian said, “Sure! What volume would you like?”
Cannibals will never go hungry.
They can always make themselves a snack.
I caught my neighbor stealing my socks off my clothesline.
I was going to confront him, but I got cold feet.
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
Bit of a long shot …
Does anyone know a sniper?
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.
He’s not perfect.
But he knows the drill.
My wife begged me to stop telling Scandinavian puns.
I said, “Fine, I’m Finnished.”
My girlfriend changed after she became a vegetarian.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Pro tip: It’s not wise to get a tattoo with the initials of the person you’re dating.
Especially if they’re “DNR”.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of stuff.
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I always take my problems to Tommy.
Hilfiger something out.
My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns.
I said, “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative. Let’s see how things develop!”
Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash …
I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it; it was my uncle Ben.
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
I’m currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.
She’s going for the ribs.
There was a fire drill at IKEA today.
We all assembled in the car park.
Why did the programmer go broke?
Because she used up all her cache.
“Look,” said the geologist, “I don’t care what you’ve heard. Sandstone is a sedimentary rock.”
“It’s been settled.”
My girlfriend asked me to do her hair like a Rastafarian.
I’m dreading it.
I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.
Oh here we go again, two dressed up as cops.
McDonald’s are now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers.
Just had a quarter panda.
Playing soccer as a young boy, I would run around the pitch randomly shouting 66, 78, 93, 139, 267.
I was just there to make the numbers up.
I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.
A guy just offered me fifty thousand a year to work for him at the Brittle Bones Society.
I snapped his hand off.
I’m writing a series of books about making things louder.
I’m on the final volume now.
Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.
I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.
When did the block of marble realize she should really get a better sculptor?
When he took her for granite.
What do you call a fish that has completed 8 years of medical school?
A brain sturgeon.
My HR rep at work wants me to sign up for the company’s 401k.
But there’s no way I can run that far.
My son might not be the best roofer in the world.
But he is up there.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really took off.
My son told me he just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups, and asked me if I could do that.
“Sure, son,” I said. “Heck, I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight push-ups.”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.
Tomorrow I’m going there in person to see what’s really going on.
Did you hear about the boy who was impaled by a trampoline spring?
He’s hurt, but will bounce back.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants.
It was in the non-friction section.
How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.
I pirated a movie last night.
Gave it 3.14 stars.
Why did the apple do Pilates?
To work on his core.
Why did the bank robbers call their travel agent?
To plan a getaway.
I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.
Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered.
Just got back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.
It was only a minor tour.
BREAKING NEWS! Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise.
I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.
My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.
What a feline!