Cannibalism

A man is on trial for cannibalism.

He says to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”

Peace And Quiet

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Calculus Professor

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Birthday Gift

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Museum Worker

I was at the museum recently.

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.

He said no, they had to stay on the walls.

Suitcase Packing

You know what I love doing more than anything?

Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

Gold Prospector

One entrepreneur says to another, “I’ve just been in the Far East prospecting for gold.”

“Japan?” asks the second entrepreneur.

“No,” replies the first, “I used much more scientific methods.”

Pizza Delivery Guy

Scientists have observed that when one pizza delivery guy falls over, several others also fall over.

This is known as the Domino’s effect.

Last Name

“What’s your name?” the cop asked when he pulled me over.

“Steve,” I said.

“And your last name?” he asked.

“It’s always been Steve,” I said.

Flat Earther

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat.

I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around.

Strange Disease

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.

I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.

He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.

Which Is Heavier?

Which is heavier, one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

New House

I was showing my friend my new house.

“So this is my house,” I said.

He said, “What’s upstairs?”

I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”

Untruthful Friend

My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.

Strange Date

I was on a date with this really beautiful girl.

Well, it wasn’t a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.

One Loaf

How do you feed 1,000 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now you have endless bread.

Idiot Number

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

Money Find

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.

Hanging Baskets

My business making and selling hanging baskets has just gone bust.

It’s sad really, they looked great with Pansies, Lobelias and Marigolds. Sadly, no Fuchsia in it.