Ring Bell

A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

Woke Up Suddenly

I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.

I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.

What Do Bees Eat

My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”

I said, “Honey, how should I know?”

Santa Fear

What do you call the fear of Santa?

Claustrophobia.

No Dinner

My wife is pregnant. I asked her whether she wanted any dinner.

She said, “No thanks, I gestate.”

Low Ceilings

My last apartment only had four-foot high ceilings.

I couldn’t stand living there.

Insect Urine Gasoline

I heard a large oil company is going to start making gasoline from insect urine.

I think it’s BP.

Overweight People

Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.

These, of course, are just rounded figures.

Mariah Carey’s Christmas Present

Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.

Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.

Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Pet Store Promo

Did you hear about the promo they’re running at the pet store?

Buy one dog, get one flea.

Cow Restaurant

I went to a restaurant run by cows.

They didn’t allow tipping.

Dating Rosemary

My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary.

I don’t know what he season her.

Last Word

When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.

They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

Hand In Blender

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

Sick Pharmacist

When pharmacists get sick…

Do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Early Morning Exercise

I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Volume Control Knob

I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago.

It hasn’t turned up since.

Gym Banana

I forgot to take my banana to the gym today.

It was a fruitless exercise.

Retired

For those of you wondering, yes I am retired.

I was tired yesterday and today I am tired again.

Parrot Stand

I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.

Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.

Wallet Picture

I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no money in it.

Alcohol Effect

Scientists have concluded a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.

The results are staggering.

Breakfast Scrabble

Playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.

Night Ambush

If you’re ambushed at night …

Then technically you’ve been pmbushed.

Mother’s Day Call

Why couldn’t the pirate call his mom on Mother’s Day?

She left the phone off the hook.

Spell Hawaii

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Moving Furniture

How do you move a heavy piece of furniture at the weather station?

With four casters.

Food Fight

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

Bench Presses

I have to make a confession: I’m not bench-pressing anymore.

Wow, that took a real weight off my chest.

Early Arrival

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said, “No”.

“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”

Amazon Thief

What do you call someone under investigation for stealing Amazon packages?

The prime suspect.

Elevator Proposal

While in an elevator I asked my girlfriend to marry me.

We took our relationship to the next level.

Microsoft Competitor

I’ve created a writing software product to rival Microsoft’s.

It’s their Word against mine.

Outside Work

I work outside and when the weather is nice I put on sunglasses.

But when it’s really sunny, I ask for my supervisor.

Water Park

My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park.

It has several slides.

Good News

My dad always said, “No news is good news”.

Great guy, an awful journalist.

No Smiles

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.

Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.