Cows Bedtime
What do cows tell each other at bedtime?
Dairy tales.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime?
Dairy tales.
A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”
So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.
“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”
“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”
I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.
I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.
My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”
I said, “Honey, how should I know?”
What do you call the fear of Santa?
Claustrophobia.
What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use?
Olay!
My wife is pregnant. I asked her whether she wanted any dinner.
She said, “No thanks, I gestate.”
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My last apartment only had four-foot high ceilings.
I couldn’t stand living there.
Which animal has the most memory?
The ram.
I heard a large oil company is going to start making gasoline from insect urine.
I think it’s BP.
Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are just rounded figures.
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chilli.
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.
Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.
Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Teaching children about fungus…
Is one way to mold young minds.
Did you hear about the promo they’re running at the pet store?
Buy one dog, get one flea.
I went to a restaurant run by cows.
They didn’t allow tipping.
My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary.
I don’t know what he season her.
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
When pharmacists get sick…
Do they get a taste of their own medicine?
I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.
I was right.
I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago.
It hasn’t turned up since.
I forgot to take my banana to the gym today.
It was a fruitless exercise.
For those of you wondering, yes I am retired.
I was tired yesterday and today I am tired again.
What’s a super power most children have?
Supervision.
What’s a computer’s worst memory?
Terrorbytes!
I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.
Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.
I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me why I have no money in it.
What do you call a dying airport computer?
A terminal terminal terminal.
Scientists have concluded a study on how alcohol can affect a person’s ability to walk.
The results are staggering.
Playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.
If you’re ambushed at night …
Then technically you’ve been pmbushed.
Why couldn’t the pirate call his mom on Mother’s Day?
She left the phone off the hook.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I have a flat stomach.
But the L is silent.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
How do you move a heavy piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Why did the pirate walk the plank?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I have to make a confession: I’m not bench-pressing anymore.
Wow, that took a real weight off my chest.
I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No”.
“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”
What do you call someone under investigation for stealing Amazon packages?
The prime suspect.
While in an elevator I asked my girlfriend to marry me.
We took our relationship to the next level.
I’ve created a writing software product to rival Microsoft’s.
It’s their Word against mine.
I work outside and when the weather is nice I put on sunglasses.
But when it’s really sunny, I ask for my supervisor.
My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park.
It has several slides.
My dad always said, “No news is good news”.
Great guy, an awful journalist.
My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.
Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.