Time Difference

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Mobile Phone Implant

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.

Beyoncé

I told my wife that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat”, she said.

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”.

Government Offer

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I’m not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Weekend Plans

My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”

She said, “And then what?”

I replied, “Then I’ll see.”

Parking

I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”

I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”

Office Award

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

Happy Wife

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

Math Teacher

I’ve decided to become a math teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

Group Of Crows

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

Fly And Bug Joke

A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”

“I mite be,” giggles the mite.

“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” the fly groans.

“What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”

Californian Mechanic

When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”

Previous Childbirth

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I said, “Yes just once.”

He asked, “What was it like?”

I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

Number Fight

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.