We love a good drink here at LaffGaff, and we also love humor too of course. So what could be better than these funny drinking quotes!
Raise your glass as we propose a toast to alcohol and laughter!
Funny Drinking Quotes
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~ W. C. Fields
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. ~ Dylan Thomas
Alcohol may be a man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy. ~ Frank Sinatra
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. ~ Oscar Wilde
I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good. ~ Oscar Levant
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henry Youngman
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. ~ Steve Fergosi
Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~ Francois Rabelais
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink. ~ Joe. E. Lewis
One reason that I don’t drink is that I want to know when I’m having a good time. ~ Nancy Astor
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. ~ William Butler Yeats
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? ~ W. C. Fields
There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne. ~ Bette Davis
He was a wise man who invented beer. ~ Plato
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. ~ Catherine Zandonella
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. ~ Ogden Nash
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. ~ Tom Watts
I always wake up at the crack of ice. ~ Joe E. Lewis
Man, being reasonable, must get drunk. The best of life is but intoxication. ~ Lord Byron
I drink to make other people more interesting. ~ Ernest Hemingway
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~ Winston Churchill
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. ~ Henry Lawson
One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough. ~ James Thurber
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. ~ W. C. Fields
Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. ~ Mark Twain
Actually, it only takes me one drink to get loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth of fourteenth. ~ George Burns
For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey. ~ Eddie Condon
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. ~ Dean Martin
The only day I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller
I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. ~ Brendan Behan
One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough. ~ Edward Burke
I have made an important discovery… that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. ~ Oscar Wilde
One more drink and I’ll be under the host. ~ Dorothy Parker
I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast. ~ W. C. Fields
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. ~ Humphrey Bogart
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ~ Ernest Hemingway
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. ~ Joe E. Lewis
My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that’s not so bad – but New York City? ~ Henry Youngman
Here’s to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others. ~ Raymond Chandler
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. ~ Alexander Woollcott
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? ~ Stephen Wright
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. ~ Kinky Friedman
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~ Ernest Hemingway
No government could survive without Champagne. Champagne in the throat of our diplomatic people is like oil in the wheels of an engine. ~ Joseph Dargent
I drink to make other people interesting. ~ George Jean Nathan
I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. ~ W. C. Fields
I drink to forget I drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis
War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy. ~ William Faulkner
Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. ~ Steve Martin
I work until beer o’clock. ~ Stephen King
Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable. ~ G. K. Chesterton
I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not. ~ Coco Chanel
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. ~ W. C. Fields
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking. But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get itself out of the bottle. ~ David Levithan
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, “I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” ~ Chelsea Handler
Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play. ~ Joyce Rebeta-Burditt
Funny Quotes About Drinking
If you enjoyed this collection of funny drinking quotes, be sure to check out our other pages of funny quotes too, including these:
