A selection of hilariously funny condom jokesFunny Condom Jokes

Sex and bodily functions have always been a source of humor and jokes for mankind, and are a staple ingredient of many comedians’ routines, including condom jokes.

It seems that most of us find sex funny for a number of different reasons – maybe because we all do it and at times we all make mistakes doing it, maybe because there is just something awkward and fumbling about it. Especially when it comes to contraception – having to pause mid-passion to put on a condom, for example.

Anyway, they might be childish and immature but we find sex and condom jokes hilarious, so here we present to you our favorite funny condom jokes…

You think seven years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad?

Try breaking a condom…

My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”

My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”

I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”

I said to the wife last night as we were getting into bed, “That box of Olympic condoms arrived today. I think I’ll wear gold tonight.”

She said, “Why don’t you wear silver and come second for once?”

What do you call a condom with grit in it?

An organ grinder.

What’s worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole.

One day when I was young kid, my Dad sat me down and showed me some pictures of why I should always make sure I wear a condom when having sex.

The funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

These three rednecks were sitting around one day, comparing their wives to see who had the dumbest.

The first redneck said, ‘My wife’s so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don’t even have running water.’

The second said, ‘That’s nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don’t even have electricity.’

The third said, ‘Aw, that’s nothing! I was goin’ through my wife’s purse for some whisky money t’other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain’t even got a penis!’

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex.

I suppose a condom would be better…

This guy goes to the drug store with his young son. As they walk past the condom display, the boy notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”

The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March …

There’s nothing worse than looking down after sex and seeing that limp, used condom hanging off your penis.

Especially when you weren’t wearing one when you began.

I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal condom, I used a frog skin.

I thought I’d rib it for her pleasure.

A young married couple had just finished having sex. The woman asked her husband, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

He took off his condom and tied a knot in it. Then he flushed it down the toilet and said, “Well, if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

What’s the difference between a coffin and a condom?

One you go in, and the other you come in.

I always take a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately, it is always the same one…

A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”

He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”

The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”

He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”

She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”

“Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

I went on a date last week and the girl I met invited me back to her place for coffee afterwards.

As we walked into her flat, she ripped all her clothes off and pushed me onto the couch.

As she pulled my trousers and boxer shorts down and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“I’m on the pill so don’t worry about a condom.” she said.

“I was talking about my coffee.” I replied.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

Why can’t pencils have babies?

Because they have rubbers on their end.

It’s the first time for me and my girlfriend but the condom has split and now we don’t know what to do.

Should we seek medical advice immediately?

Or should we wait until we clear customs with the drugs?

Why is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

I always get really embarrassed when someone comes into the men’s washroom when I’m in there trying to get a condom.

Particularly when I’m trying to pick it out of the bin.

Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.

The first condom turns to the second and says, “Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?”

Last Father’s Day my son said to me, “Dad, I’m sorry but I forgot to buy you anything for Father’s Day.”

I said, “That’s ok son. You know, I forget things all the time too.”

He said, “Really? Like what?”

I said, “Like that time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little sod in my life.”

I’ve just bought some of those new Marmite flavored condoms.

My girlfriend loves them, but my wife hates them.

When I was in school, we got the facts of life talk from our Biology teacher and he showed us how to put on a condom.

It was really embarrassing waiting for him to get hard.

This desperate guy rings 911 and says, “Come quickly, my son has swallowed a condom!”

Five minutes later he rings back, “It’s ok, I’ve found another one.”

You should wear a condom on every conceivable occasion.
1 + 1 = 3 when you don’t use a condom.

Funny Condom Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny condom jokes, why not check out the rest of our site for loads more sex jokes, including these: