Sex and bodily functions have always been a source of humor and jokes for mankind, and are a staple ingredient of many comedians’ routines, including condom jokes. It seems that most of us find sex funny for a number of different reasons – maybe because we all do it and at times we all make mistakes doing it, maybe because there is just something awkward and fumbling about it. Especially when it comes to contraception – having to pause mid-passion to put on a condom, for example.
Anyway, they might be childish and immature but we find sex and condom jokes hilarious, so here we present to you our favorite funny condom jokes…
Funny Condom Jokes
Try breaking a condom…
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”
She said, “Why don’t you wear silver and come second for once?”
An organ grinder.
Finding a condom in your hole.
The funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
The first redneck said, ‘My wife’s so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don’t even have running water.’
The second said, ‘That’s nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don’t even have electricity.’
The third said, ‘Aw, that’s nothing! I was goin’ through my wife’s purse for some whisky money t’other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain’t even got a penis!’
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
I suppose a condom would be better…
The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”
The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”
The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”
The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.
The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March …
Especially when you weren’t wearing one when you began.
I thought I’d rib it for her pleasure.
He took off his condom and tied a knot in it. Then he flushed it down the toilet and said, “Well, if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”
One you go in, and the other you come in.
Unfortunately, it is always the same one…
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”
He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
As we walked into her flat, she ripped all her clothes off and pushed me onto the couch.
As she pulled my trousers and boxer shorts down and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“I’m on the pill so don’t worry about a condom.” she said.
“I was talking about my coffee.” I replied.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
Because they have rubbers on their end.
Should we seek medical advice immediately?
Or should we wait until we clear customs with the drugs?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
Particularly when I’m trying to pick it out of the bin.
The first condom turns to the second and says, “Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?”
I said, “That’s ok son. You know, I forget things all the time too.”
He said, “Really? Like what?”
I said, “Like that time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little sod in my life.”
My girlfriend loves them, but my wife hates them.
It was really embarrassing waiting for him to get hard.
Five minutes later he rings back, “It’s ok, I’ve found another one.”