Funny Christian Jokes And Humor
Although religion is a serious business, even religion can't be serious all the time. Christian jokes are a great way of bringing a bit of humor and lightness to the normal seriousness. And they're funny too!
So with that in mind, here's a great collection of funny Christian jokes and humor; we hope you enjoy them.
A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, "We've worked out how to make a man without you."
God laughed and said, "Okay then, show me. Go ahead..."
So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.
"Oh no you don't. " said God. "Get your own dirt."
I was in church with my friend last Christmas Day and as we walked out the preacher was as usual standing by the exit shaking hands as people left. As he shook my friend's hand, he took him to one side and said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord, my son.".
My friend said, "But I'm already in the Army of the Lord."
The preacher said to him, "Then why do I never see you in Church save for Easter and Christmas?"
My friend replied, "I'm in the secret service."
Paddy hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with decanters of the finest Irish whiskey and Guinness on tap. Behind the bar is a huge array of the finest cigars.
As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.
Paddy says, "Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest says, "Get out, Paddy, you idiot! You're on my side."
There was this little boy who was scared of the dark. One evening his mother asked him to go out onto the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy said, "Mama, please don't make me go out there. It's dark and you know I'm scared of the dark."
His mother smiled at him and said reassuringly, "There's no need to be afraid of the dark. Jesus is out there and he'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy seemed unsure and said, "Are you sure Jesus is out there?"
The mother said, "Yes, I'm sure. Jesus is everywhere and is always there and ready to help when you're in need."
The boy thought for a moment, then went to the back door and opened it a tiny amount. He looked out into the darkness and called out, "Jesus - if you're out there, please pass me the broom."
A man goes to confession and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, but I've become a thief. It's compulsive, I just can't help myself."
The priest tells him to pray to God for forgiveness and to be cured and adds, "If you're not cured in a week, come back to see me again and bring me a new television."
It was Palm Sunday but little Johnny was feeling sick so he stayed at home with a babysitter while the rest of his family went to church. When the family got home, they were all carrying palm fronds.
"What are they?", asked little Johnny curiously.
His dad explained, "They're called palm fronds. People held them above Jesus' head as he walked by them."
"Well that's just my luck," said little Johnny. "The one Sunday you don't make me go to church and Jesus shows up."
At this small church in a small town, there was one particular member of the congregation called Maureen who was a real gossip and viewed herself as responsible for maintaining the congregation's morals. People didn't really like her but they were too afraid of her to say anything.
Then one day, a new member of the congregation called Bill left his pickup parked all afternoon outside the town's one and only bar. Of course this was spotted by Maureen who accused Bill of being an alcoholic and told him and the other members of the congregation that everyone who saw his truck there would know what he was doing.
Bill didn't talk much at the best of times, and here he didn't say anything at all. He just stared at her for a while and then turned and walked away without trying to come up with any explanations or excuses.
Later that evening, he parked his truck outside of Maureen's house and left it there all night.
I was talking to my priest the other day and he's getting quite elderly now. He said to me, "You know, when you get as old as me you start to spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter."
"Why do you say that?" I asked him.
He said, "Well nowadays I'm always going into a room and then stopping and thinking what did I come in here after?"
A preacher arrives in a small town in order to preach a sermon, but he's early and with some time to spare he wants to post a letter. He can't find the post office so he asks a young boy where it is. The boy shows him, after which the preacher thanks him and says to him, "If you come to the church this evening, you'll be able to hear me telling people how to get to heaven."
The boy replies, "It's ok thanks, I think I'll give it a miss. You don't even know your way to the post office."
A preacher who couldn't swim was on a boat one day. He fell into the sea and sadly no-one noticed and the boat sailed away.
When another boat came past, the captain shouted out to the preacher, "Do you need help?"
The preacher replied, "No thank you, God will save me."
A short while later another boat came past and the fisherman on it shouted to the preacher, "Do you need any help sir?"
Again the preacher calmly replied, "No thank you, God will save me."
Eventually the poor preacher drowned and of course he went straight to heaven. When he got there, he asked God, "When I was drowning why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You fool, I sent you two boats!"
It's the day of judgement and all the true believers are waiting in line to get into heaven. The Angel Gabriel appears and says to them, "I want all the men to separate into two lines - the first line is for men who were the true heads of their household. All those men who were dominated by their wives should form the second line."
He continued, "And now all the women should go through the gates and report to Mary."
After all the women had left, the men quickly sorted themselves into two lines; I say lines but the line with the true heads of the household only had one man in it. The other line of those men dominated by their wives stretched on for what seemed like eternity.
Gabriel addressed this long line, saying "You should be ashamed of yourselves. God appointed you to be the heads of your households and you have not fulfilled your duties. Out of all you men, there is only one who has obeyed God's orders.
He then turned to the man stood all alone in the first line and asked him, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face. After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"
"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"
"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you not long ago."
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad's again, thought for a moment and then said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Little Susie is drawing a picture in kindergarten. The teacher sees her concentrating really hard and asks her what she's drawing. Susie replies, "I'm drawing Jesus."
The teacher says, "That's great honey, but no-one really knows what Jesus looked like."
Susie replies, "They will in a minute."
A man is praying to God one day and asks, "How long is a million years?" To his surprise God answers, saying "To me, it's about one minute."
The man then asks, "God, how much is one million dollars?" and God replies, "To me, it's a penny."
The man thinks and then asks, "God, may I have a penny?"
God replies, "Wait a minute."
A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.
The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.
The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.
The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."
Funny Christian Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of funny Christian jokes and humor, then you're sure to love our other religious jokes too, such as these: