Fat Jokes And One LinersFunny Fat Jokes And One Liners

There's nothing slim about this huge collection of funny fat jokes and one liners!

We're not exactly slim here at LaffGaff either so we're basically poking fun at ourselves here and absolutely no offence is intended.

So please enjoy these funny fat jokes.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

My 6-pack is very precious to me.

That's why I protect it with a layer of fat.

Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you're in the way.

You know you're getting fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

How do you seduce a fat woman?

Piece of cake.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym again today.

That's seven years in a row now.

I'm not fat, I'm just 4 feet too short.

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

I'm not saying my wife's fat but if I had to name the 5 fattest people I know, she'd be 3 of them.

My girlfriend's so fat when she fell over in the sand she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.

She was eventually woken by a lifeguard who asked her to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don't work out.

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about three years now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

We've got different ideas about what the problem is.

She bought me some Viagra.

And I've bought her a treadmill.

After years of dieting, I found there was only one way to look thin:

Hang out with fat people.

After queueing up for almost half an hour in the pharmacy last week, I finally got to the counter.

The woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."

I said, "You're not so skinny yourself, actually."

That awkward moment when a fat kid says, "That's how I roll."

My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight.

He needs to lighten up.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.

"That's not going to help," says his wife.

"Yes,it will," replies the man. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

A woman who was rather on the large side turned up at the theatre just before the performance was due to start.

She handed the usher two tickets.

The usher asked, "Where's the other party?"

The woman blushed. "Well, you see one seat's a bit small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they're both really for me."

"That's fine with me, Ma'am," the usher replied, scratching his head.

"There's just one problem. Your seats are numbers 47 and 65."

My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her any more.

So I switched her digital scale from pounds to kilograms.

I burnt a lot of calories today...

I set a fat kid on fire.

I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat but she's got so many double chins it looks like she's staring at you over a plate of pancakes.

Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year.

Only 13 to go.

I keep trying to lose weight...

But it keeps finding me.

I was lying in bed with my wife last night.

She looked at me seductively and said, "I'm wide awake, babe."

I said, "You're wide when you're asleep too."

Want to look thinner?

Hang out with fat people.

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

I'm in shape.

Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said to me earlier.

I replied, "And I love you tons."

"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.

You never hear skinny people saying, "I'm just small boned."

A man walks into a store and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, fatso.

I always try to encourage fat people.

So keep your chins up.

My obese wife died last night.

In her memory I'm going to eat a chocolate cake.

It's what she would have wanted.

My wife told me to grow up.

I told her I would when she stopped growing sideways.

Funny Fat Jokes & One Liners

If you enjoyed our funny fat jokes and one liners, why not check out the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes and laughs, including the rest of our jokes about people, such as:

Subscribe Now & Get A Free Joke Book!
Get More Really Funny Jokes & Laughs!

Subscribe to LaffGaff free now and get even more really funny jokes, witty quotes and laughs in our email newsletter! Plus get our free eBook packed with all the best Yo Mama jokes!