Funny Farmer Jokes & Farm Jokes
Hay, we're not counting our chickens, but we reckon these are the best farmer jokes and farm jokes you'll find anywhere. They're definitely not corny. In fact, they're outstanding in their field.
So we hope you enjoy this bumper crop of funny farmer jokes and farm jokes.
I'd tell them to my dog but he'd herd them all.
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Because he was out standing in his field.
You tell it to Mooooooooooove.
You take me for grunted.
A watch dog.
It had wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.
It turned into a field.
I thought to myself "Wow! Look at all those sheep crammed in there. There's too many to even zzzz..."
From morning until night, she was always complaining and nagging about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule so he made sure he tried to plow as much as possible.
One day, he was out plowing when his wife brought him his lunch out to the field.
He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a tree stump, and began to eat his lunch.
His wife then began nagging him again. Nag, nag, nag, it just went on and on.
Then suddenly, the mule lashed out with both back legs. He caught her smack in the back of the head killing her straight away.
At the funeral a few days later, the minister noticed something strange.
Whenever a woman mourner went to talk to the old farmer, he'd listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement.
But when a male mourner talked to him, he'd listen for a minute, then shake his head.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, he spoke to the farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Would milk come out of her nose?
The farmer had cold hands.
They get talking and the Aussie farmer shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan is unimpressed and says, "We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as that."
They walk around the ranch a little more, and then the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan is again unimpressed and says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
They carry on walking around the ranch when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks the Aussie, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
They suddenly come to a muddy patch in the road and don't stop in time, so the car becomes bogged down and stuck.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of him.
The young farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to use the oxen to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts and a few minutes later the car is free.
Afterward, the farmer says to the husband, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"
The young farmer says, "Oh no. Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Because he's got no beef.
He got a hot-diggity-dog.
He reached down, picked the frog up, and started to put it in his pocket.
As he did so, the frog said, "Kiss me on the lips and I'll turn into a beautiful farmers wife."
The old farmer carried on putting the frog in his pocket.
The frog said, "Didn't you hear what I said?"
The farmer looked at the frog and said, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Because the farmer said, "Hogwash".
Because they like being amoosed.
The farmer who lived on the next farm heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Joe, don't worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I'll help you get the tractor up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Joe replied, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, "I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be silly!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
Joe said, "Under the tractor."
Because it was ahead.
They suspected it of fowl play.
When the emergency services arrive the coach is empty and there's no sign of the passengers.
The farmer is there with his tractor so they asked him what happened to all the politicians.
The farmer said, "I buried them."
They were taken aback, so they asked, "They were all dead then?"
The farmer said, "Well, some of them said they were alive but you can't believe anything a politician says can you?"
Because their Ma and Pa were in a jam.
The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, "Sorry, I'm going to have to put him down."
The farmer said "Oh no! It's not that bad is it?"
The vet said, "No, he's just very heavy."
"There's more there than meets the sty."
He had to get rid of it though.
Every time he turned a corner, the tires squealed.
He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What a miss-steak.
Because he'd been fleeced.
Where's my tractor?
Because it was in a pickle.
Because they pull corn by the ears.
He tractor down.
He said, "Sure. Any jerk can do it."
Because it was always running out of the pen.
A milk sheik.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the door bell.
When the farmer appeared, the man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go and join the chickens that are around the back."
Farmer Jokes & Farm Jokes
If you enjoyed our crop of funny farmer jokes and farm jokes, check out the rest of our funny jokes for lots more laughs, for example our pig jokes, cow jokes, and dog jokes. And don't forget our other work jokes, such as these: