Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes
Make your celebrations a little more risque with these dirty Thanksgiving jokes!
Suitable for adults only, so as long as you're old enough enjoy them, and happy Thanksgiving!
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been having sex with."
His wife says, "That's a turkey."
The man replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
He's really nervous as this is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas.
While they're sitting there watching TV in the family room it isn't so bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud. Also, the parent's big old dog Harold is licking his balls and everyone can hear that. So he can sit there and fart into the couch without anyone hearing a thing.
But then everybody gets called into the dining room and he still has really bad gas, though he relaxes a little when the dog moves under the table to continue licking his balls.
After a while he just can't hold it in anymore and to his horror the fart comes out with enough force to rattle the silverware. Nobody says anything for a moment before the mom yells, "HAROLD! Get out of there."
The dog slowly comes out from under the table and goes back to the living room.
The guy is amazed as everybody goes back to eating and talking, they think the dog did it.
A little while later he feels another fart coming, bigger than the first. He looks around and realizes the dog is back under the table licking its balls again. So he relaxes and lets the gas go. This one shakes the table so hard some of the silverware falls off.
Everyone is quiet. Then, the mom again yells, "HAROLD, get out of there!"
The dog obediently goes back to the living room. 20 minutes pass and they are about to start on dessert when he feels the mother of all farts trying to punch its way through his colon. He's really stressed but a quick glance confirms the dog is back under the table!
Feeling confident he just lets it free. It shakes the silverware. It shakes the table. It shakes the windows. And suddenly everything is quiet. Until the mom yells, "DAMMIT, HAROLD. Get out from under that table right now before he shits on you!"
Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.
Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.
Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.
A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.
She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.
So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.
He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
They've been together a while but haven't had sex yet.
His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can "get intimate". So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local pharmacy.
As this will be his first time, he doesn't know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.
The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of "ribbed for her pleasure".
The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl's parents.
The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer.
She whispers to him, "I didn't know you were so religious!"
He whispers back, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
She picked it up and took it back to the car saying to her husband, "We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering; it must be cold, what should I do?"
Her husband replied, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
"But it stinks!" she said.
"So hold its nose!"
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none of the men who called took her fancy.
Then one day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there was a man there with no arms and no legs.
He said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the woman asked, "What makes you think you're great in bed?"
Bob replied, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes
If you enjoyed our dirty Thanksgiving jokes, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more funny holiday jokes too, including these: