Dark Jokes & Humor
Some dark humor can be too tasteless for our, erm, taste but not these dark jokes, they're hilarious!
If you like black, morbid jokes and puns then these are the ones for you. Enjoy!
Just the Rottweiler.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Are you still holding the ladder?"
He was so good though, I didn't care.
I said, "Usually an overdose, son."
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
After that, he went downhill fast.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
They've never known what home is.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
She was eaten by a giant crab.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, "Nothing special really, we just tell them they're going to die."
So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
"Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!"
Their last big hit was the wall.
I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.
It was really mad. We must have come close to her cubs and she was protecting them, or something.
Luckily, I had my gun with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
A mass will be said for him later today. And amo. And amat.
A peeping tom after a forest fire.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
It's great. I can barely hear my kids now.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
The blind start reading your face.
A rip off.
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious.
I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike.
She turned on the front camera.
The man replies, "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone?"
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."
I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
The girl serving asked me if I wanted a bag with it.
I said, "No thanks, she's actually quite pretty."
Keep the tip.
"No, you da bomb!"
In America - a compliment. In the Middle East - an argument.
She'll kill me if she finds out.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
"Well that's hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!" I said angrily.
"Oh I'm so sorry, you still sound really hurt?" she replied.
I said, "Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago."
Allahu Akbar, my son. Allahu Akbar.
You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus, you're constantly making new friends.
American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.
The redneck virgin.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then.
I love my new Taser.
Dark Humor & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of dark jokes and humor, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these: