Dark Jokes & Humor
Some dark humor can be too tasteless for our, erm, taste but not these dark jokes, they're hilarious!
If you like black, morbid jokes and puns then these are the ones for you. Enjoy!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died... "
Are you still holding the ladder?"
My grief counsellor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
I said, "Usually an overdose, son."
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.
After that, he went downhill fast.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They've never known what home is.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.
At the restaurant the other evening, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, "Nothing special really, we just tell them they're going to die."
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan.
So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
"Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!"
"Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!"
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
I have a dog with no legs.
I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.
I went hiking with my girlfriend at the weekend when suddenly this huge brown bear came charging at us.
It was really mad. We must have come close to her cubs and she was protecting them, or something.
Luckily, I had my gun with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
I went on a date last night and told me date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
I was sad to hear the Head of Latin at my old Catholic school died yesterday.
A mass will be said for him later today. And amo. And amat.
What's black and sticks to a tree?
A peeping tom after a forest fire.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I finally got one of those roof boxes for the car.
It's great. I can barely hear my kids now.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called "Road Kill Recipes".
As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious.
I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike.
I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
A guy is walking with a young boy into the woods when the boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone?"
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Is it tasteless to ask a homeless guy if he likes house music?
My best friend sadly passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.
I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."
I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My elderly relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I went to the chemist today and asked for a box of condoms.
The girl serving asked me if I wanted a bag with it.
I said, "No thanks, she's actually quite pretty."
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
"You da bomb!"
"No, you da bomb!"
In America - a compliment. In the Middle East - an argument.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
"Are you serious - I can't believe you've never had a mobile phone?" asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub. "What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?"
"Well that's hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!" I said angrily.
"Oh I'm so sorry, you still sound really hurt?" she replied.
I said, "Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago."
Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?
Allahu Akbar, my son. Allahu Akbar.
What are the best things about having about having Alzheimer's?
You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus, you're constantly making new friends.
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls?
American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex right there and then.
I love my new Taser.
Dark Humor & Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of dark jokes and humor, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes and laughs including these: