Funny Cowboy Jokes And Puns
Holy cowboy jokes! What a huge range of cowboy jokes we've got for you here.
In fact, these jokes will have you laughing so much you'll fall out of the saddle.
Please enjoy our collection of funny cowboy jokes and puns.
The sheriff asks him, "Why did you do that?"
The cowboy says, "I thought he was going to draw."
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chowder back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
On the range.
The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."
The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"
"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"
The locals in the saloon have a nasty habit of picking on strangers, which of course the cowboy was.
After he finishes his drink, the cowboy goes outside only to find his horse has been stolen. So he goes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it over his head without looking and finally fires a shot into the ceiling.
He then angrily yells, "Which one of you fools stole my horse?"
There's a silence as no one answers, so the cowboy yells even more angrily, "Alright, I'm gonna have one more beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I did in Texas! And let me tell you I don't like to have to do what I did in Texas!"
Some of the locals shift nervously in there seats.
The cowboy has another beer as he said he would and then walks outside. His horse has been returned and tied to the post where he originally left it.
So the cowboy saddles up and starts to ride out of town. As he does so, the bartender walks out of the bar and asks him, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turns to him and says, "I had to walk home."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat you all unconscious."
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Well, this looks like the end for us, old friend."
Tonto replies, "What you mean by 'us,' paleface?"
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
It's set in the west.
"Why, what happened?" asks the other cowboy.
The first cowboy says, "Well, I was putting out the feed, when the bull came charging at me like a train from hell. He darn near got me!"
"So, how'd you get away?" asks the second cowboy.
The first cowboy replies, "The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary! If it'd been me, I'd probably have crapped all over the place," says the second cowboy.
The first cowboy says, "I did! What do you think that bull was slipping in?"
A nine-stone cowboy.
As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving"
The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?"
The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"
The cowboy says, "No, we just let them go barefoot."
As she gasped and gagged, one cowboy turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
Then the cowboy asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The cowboy sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the IRS agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who has been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."
"Any others?" asked the agent.
"Well, the cook has been here for 18 months ever since my wife passed away. I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board." answered the old rancher.
"Is that everyone? You realize that making false statements to the IRS can mean a fine, jail time, or a confiscation of your land and equipment!" said the IRS agent trying to intimidate the old rancher.
"Well," thought the old rancher, "there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a glass or two of bourbon every Saturday night as a reward."
"That's the guy! I want to talk to the half-wit!" demanded the agent.
"That would be me," replied old rancher.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.
He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..." said the sheriff.
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
A night of tall tales commences.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
The bartender takes one look at Tonto and shouts: "Get him outtahere. We don' serve no Injuns!"
Faithful Tonto agrees to wait outside while the Lone Ranger has a quick drink. To keep warm he decides to run around his horse.
Alas the drink proved too enticing for the Lone Ranger and poor Tonto was soon forgotten.
Eventually after a few hours, a cowboy sauntered in, looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Is that your horse outside?"
"Yes, why?" asked the Lone Ranger.
The cowboy answered, "You've left your Injun runnin'."
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.
The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?"
The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!"
The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! "
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Cowboy Jokes And Puns
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