Holy cow! Run these udderly hilarious cow puns pasteurise and milk them for all they’re worth! Make no mi-steak, you’ll have no beef with them.
We hope you enjoy our collection of funny cow puns and jokes. If you do, take a look at the rest of our animal jokes too.
Cow Puns And Jokes
The first cow says to the other, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
The second cow replies, “No way, I don’t believe you.”
The first says, “It’s true, no bull.”
Because farmers milk them dry.
It’s pasture bedtime.
That feeling you’ve heard this bull before.
I’m over the moon.
A pat on the head.
When he rounded them up he had 200.
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a fly flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head.
Then the fly flew into the cow’s ear.
The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
Sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
It was udder chaos.
Naturally the doctor is curious and asks him what happened to him.
“Well, it was like this” says the man. “I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife. We were playing the fifth hole which is really difficult and we both sliced our drives into a field full of cows. We went into the field to look for our balls, and while I was searching I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it’s backside. So I went over, lifted up the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”
“Why, what did you do?”, asks the doctor.
The man says, “Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and shouted to my wife, “Hey! This looks like yours!”
Moo Years Day.
Milk of amnesia.
I said, “Go on then, nearest the bull starts.”
He said, “Baa!”
I said, “Moo!”
He said, “You’re closest.”
Because the cow has the udder.
To keep each udder dry.
The guy asks how it came to have only 3 legs.
The farmer says, “Oh, that’s Daisy. One day, she saved my live by running into a barn fire and dragging me out. Another time she saved our son’s life by leading us to the well he’d fallen into. She’s the most miraculous cow I’ve ever seen.”
The guy is impressed but asks, “But how did she lose her leg?”
The farmer says, “You don’t eat a cow like that all at once.”
Because it goes in one ear and out the udder.
“Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” she asked the local farmer who just happened to appear at that time.
“Well,” said the farmer, “Cows can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don’t have any horns at all.”
He then continued, “But this cow doesn’t have any horns because it’s a horse…”
They were trying to beef up security.
The second farmer asks, “Was it mad?”
The first one replies, “Well it wasn’t very happy about it.
I don’t know, but it would be an udder drag.
Anyone can roast beef.
To the moo-vies.
The first cow turns to the second and says, “Moooooo!”
The second cow replies, “Hey, I was just about to say the same thing!”
It’s outstanding in its field.
It was an udder disaster.
As the train passes by a ranch the first guy turns to the second and tells him there are 1,356 cows on the ranch.
The second guy says, “That’s amazing! I happen to own that ranch and I know for a fact that I have 1,356 head of cattle. How did you ever figure out the number of cows from a speeding train?”
“Oh it’s simple” the first guy replies. “I counted the legs and divided by four.”
Give a cow a pogo stick.
He uses a cow-culator.
An animal that’s in a baaaaad mooood.
A laughing stock.
Because they refuse to go on steak-outs.
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
One of the cows walked over to the fence, leaned over, looked at the engine and said, “I think the problem’s your carburettor.”
The guy nearly jumped out of his skin, and ran off to the nearest farmhouse. When he got there he banged furiously on the door.
The farmer opened the door, and the guy shouted “A cow just told me how to fix my car!” as he pointed towards the field.
The farmer looked over to the field and asked, “Was it a big brown cow?”
“Yes! Yes!” said the guy.
The farmer asked, “Did she have a big white spot next to her ear?”
The guy yelled, “Yes! Yes! That’s the one!”
The farmer sighed in exasperation. “That darn fool Daisy,” he said. “Don’t listen to her. She don’t know nuthin” about cars.”
Because their horns don’t work.
While the bull is doing the business with the cow, the farmer’s son and the neighbor’s daughter are leaning on the fence watching the whole thing.
The farmer’s son nudges the neighbor’s daughter, winks and says to her, “You know, I wouldn’t mind doing a little of what that bull’s doing.”
She replies, “Go right ahead. She is your cow, after all!”
The teacher says, “What’s this?”
The kid says, “A picture of a cow eating grass.”
The teacher asks, “Where’s the grass?”
The kid says, “The cow ate it all.”
The teacher says, “Ok, then where’s the cow?”
The kid says, “It left because there was no more grass.”
The first cow looks at the other and says “What do you think about all this talk of mad cow disease?”
The second cow replies, “Why should I care, I’m a helicopter.”
The first blonde said, “I think they’re deer tracks!”
The second blonde said, “I think they’re dog tracks!”
The third blonde said, “Well, I think they’re cow tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Cow Puns And Jokes