Classic JokesClassic Jokes – Golden Not Olden

Some classic jokes are just golden not olden. 

They never grow old but remain funny throughout the generations no matter how many times they’re retold.

Here is a selection of our all-time favorite classic jokes that have stood the test of time.

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

I’m on a whisky diet.

I’ve lost three days already.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.

Later I phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest.

He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.

The first woman says,  “My dog’s so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.”

The second woman replies, “I know…”

The first woman is surprised and asks, “How do you know?”

The second woman says, “My dog told me.”

Classic Jokes

If you enjoyed our classic jokes collection, why not check out our funny one liners and also our page of the funniest jokes ever as well as the rest of our funny jokes, including these:

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