Give Me A Sentence

The teacher says to her class one day, “Give me a sentence starting with an ‘I’.”

Little Johnny says, “I is …”

The teacher interrupts and says, “Stop! You never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. You should always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”

Little Johnny says, “Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Evacuated First

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

Fixing Appliances

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

Donald Trump Supporter

I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’d never denigrate his supporters.

If you’re a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

Men Are Pigs

An angry feminist said to me today that all men are pigs.

So I told her that women are equal to men.

Vegan Girlfriend

I have a vegan girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much. But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot.

Giving Up Spreadsheets

Next year I’m going to give up using spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It’ll be Excel Lent.

Like Lego

Breasts are like Lego.

They’re for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

Girlfriend Doesn’t Trust Me

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Mexican Bodybuilder

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Beautiful Girlfriend

Words can’t describe how beautiful my girlfriend is.

But numbers can… 2/10.

When I Grow Up

A little girl says to her mother, “Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up.”

Her Mom says, “Well pick one Sweetie, you can’t do both.”

Apple Store Farter

I went to the Apple store today but while I was in there I couldn’t stop farting.

Everyone got really annoyed.

But it’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

Tough Cage Fighter

I won my first cage fight last night.

The parrot didn’t know what hit it.

Painful Circumcision

Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

Word Meaning

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.

It means a lot.

Parachute Failure

If your parachute fails to deploy, don’t worry…

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

Personal Trainer

I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny.

I just gave them my too weak notice.

An Imaginary Color

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

Redneck Death

A redneck’s father died in his sleep one night.

In the morning, when the redneck discovered the body he called 911 to come and pick it up.

The 911 operator said she would send someone out right away and asked, “Where do you live?”.

The redneck replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator then asked, “Can you spell that for me, please?

There was a long pause before the redneck finally said, “How ’bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?”

Numbers Murder

4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered.

2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.

Native Americans

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Key To Comedy

I went for a minor procedure at the hospital the other day. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, “I have a joke for you.”

The anaesthetist said, “You’d better be quick!”

I said, “Do you know what the key to comedy is?”

Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, I asked the nurse to pass the anaesthetist a message: “Timing.”

Baptism

A priest is baptizing this guy one day.

As he dips him in the water three times, he says “Joe, from now on you will be known as Matthew. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol.”

Later that day the guy goes home and heads straight for the fridge.

He grabs a bottle of beer and dips it in the sink. As he does so, he says “From this day on, you will be known as green tea.”

Dyed Hair

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.

Caitlyn Jenner

If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero, which team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

Table For 26

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

When?

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes fully groan.

Structural Engineer

My friend is a structural engineer.

He’s always complaining about stress at work.

Socialist Jokes

Socialist jokes aren’t funny…

Unless everyone gets them.

Great Wine

Great wine is like great jazz.

It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.

They Mean Business!

A young boy was struggling in school with math.

His parents weren’t religious at all but a friend suggested to them that a Catholic school might be more effective in teaching their son so they decided to move him to a new school.

After the switch, his grades improved dramatically. His parents asked the boy what had helped him so much.

He said, “When I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign I knew they meant business.”

Prayer Mats

I’ve started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

More Bananas

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?

Ex Narcissist

I used to be a narcissist.

But now look at me.

My Computer Crashed

My computer just crashed a couple of hours into writing my paper.

Looks like I’m going to have to write the date and my name again.

Ex Girlfriend

My ex girlfriend invited me to her wedding.

I told her I was busy, but I’d be there next time.

Front Lawn

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…

But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

The Oscars

Why did Leonardo Di Caprio laugh at the Oscars joke?

Because he finally got it.

Art Student

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers.

I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…

Or art students calling themselves unemployed.

Graveyard

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today.

A guy came past and said, “Morning.”

I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

Table Reservation

A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I.

The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”

The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

German Sausage

My friend is a pessimist who hates German sausage.

He always fears the Wurst.

Drug Dealer

My neighborhood barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I’ve been his customer for years …

I never knew he was a barber though.