Global Warming

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

Just For One Day

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

Dropped My Phone

I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.

Good thing it was in airplane mode.

I’m A 3D Printer

“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”

“Johnny, close the door if you’re taking a poop.”

Boy Scout & Bicycle Horn Fixer?

What’s the difference between a boy scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One’s motto is “Be Prepared”, the other’s motto is “Beep Repaired”.

Noah And The Snakes

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.

So Noah asked them,”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

NASA’s New Slogan

Did you hear what NASA’s new slogan is going to be when their budget is cut?

“The sky’s the limit”.

Trump’s Wall

Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump’s wall.

On the condition he gets to install windows.

The Art Of The Deal

I just read Donald Trump’s book “The Art Of The Deal”.

It had four Chapter 11s in it.

Speeding Ticket

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer.

I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.

Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”

The Same Mistake Twice

My Dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice.

Must be why I’m an only child.

Want To Be A Millionaire

I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad.

She said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

Thousands Of Times

Every Yo Momma joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo momma.

Steve Jobs And Donald Trump

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump.

But that’s a silly comparison really. It’s like comparing apples with oranges.

It’s Costing A Fortune

They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month.

But it’s costing me a fortune in houses.

Trump And Hitler

People compare Donald Trump and Hitler all the time, but there’s one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches.

Treat Her Like A Princess

My girlfriend kept saying I should treat her like a princess.

So I forced her to marry an old guy she’s never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Fish Catcher

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Annette.

Red Bull And Coffee

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

My Best Friend’s Wife

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

I think she must have given me a cold or something.

The Fastest Liquid

What’s the fastest liquid on the planet?

Milk. It’s pasteurized before you see it.

Death Row Prisoner

A death row prisoner was told how he was going to be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

32nd Birthday

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Don’t Fall For It!

If anyone ever asks you to spell “part” backwards don’t do it.

It’s a trap.

Favorite Letter

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

A man and his wife are having an argument.

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

Ripped Jesus

Why did Jesus look so ripped during crucifixion?

Crossfit.

Things To Do Before You Die

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”.

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Conspiracy Theorists

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

Named After Jefferson

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, “But your name is Brian.”

I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

Leaving My Wife

My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

Kermit The Frog

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?

They share the same middle name.

Teaching Democracy

To teach my kids about democracy, I let them vote on what we would have for dinner.

They picked pizza.

Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.

The Other Side Of The River

Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?”

The second guy shouts back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

Naked Picture

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Great Comedian

I saw this great comedian last night. He made the whole audience laugh without saying a word.

No joke.

Water Bill

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.

I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Bald Men

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

Gym Date

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.