Russia And Reality

What’s the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

Department Of Unemployment

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment …

Is that when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

Pirate Movie

How to pirate any movie you like:

Rate it 3.14.

Delivery Driver

The delivery driver asked me what time it was.

I said, “Somewhere between 8am and 5:30pm”.

Nothing To Be Afraid Of

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Neighborhood Watch

In my community we have a neighborhood watch.

It’s actually more like a clock tower.

Just One Word

Prison may be just one word.

But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

Higher Power Needed

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

Temporary Tattoo Parlor

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

Beware, Thief!

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium.

Heartless!

Why is North Korea so heartless?

Because they have no Seoul.

Bad Pick Up Lines

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines.

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Never works on me, ladies.

Epitaph

I dreamed I had to write my own epitaph.

That’s a grave sign.

Gold Soup

How do you make gold soup?

Put 24 carrots in it.

In The Dark

I came home from work yesterday to find someone had stolen all my lamps.

I was delighted.

Concussion

My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most concussions.

He lives very close to me. In fact, only a stone’s throw away.

Whale Tattoo

My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

Parking Ticket

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.

It’s All Mine!

Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

Charity Donation

Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They’ll take the money and run.

Rated R

Why was the jazz movie rated R?

Too much sax and violins.

School Bully

To this day, the boy who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Impress The Girls

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”.

You’ll See!

My Mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

Sweet And Low

Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Someone’s Got To Do It

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American wants to do.

Mug Shots

What do you call it when prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cell-fies.

Buy Some Meat

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

That’s Shocking!

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

Small Items Only

I’ve started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

Quiet Tennis

I had a game of quiet tennis today.

It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket.

Narcissim

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Thanks, Dad!

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”

Amorous Pirate

What’s an amorous pirate’s worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

It’s Not Advisable

I’ve just completed a self defense course.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now.

I Like To Help

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

Needing Assurance

I hate people that always need assurance.

Do you know what I mean?

Writing A Book

I’m writing a book about WD-40.

It’s non-friction.

Thinking About Re-Marriage

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

It Must Be Tiring

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?

Because they’re working around the clock.

Biblical Accuracy

When is the Bible accurate?

When it’s thrown from close range.

Of Course!

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

Blood Thirsty

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire.

He said, “Hmm, irony.”

Lost For Words

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.