LaffGaff Archives

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

I was forced to swallow purple food coloring.

I feel violated.

My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong.

I stopped after going once… going twice…

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey…

But I turned myself around.

Why could the lifeguard not save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

I went bobsleighing the other day.

Killed 11 Bobs.

A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”

My wife said, “Listen! You never listen!”

The girl I like said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”.

I said, “It’s sedate.”

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, E-Daisies.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.

I used to know a psychic with amnesia.

They knew in advance what they were going to forget.

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society.

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

I recently got a step ladder.

It hurts not being able to see my real ladder anymore.

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore.

It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

I said to my son today, “Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime artist.”

He said, “Is it something I said?”

I said, “Yes.”

The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of Office.

It improved my outlook.

I once thanked a French guy to death.

It was a merci killing.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It’s the center of a tension.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer.

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Any guy who plays heavy metal at work…

Is office rocker.

If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem.

Just accuse them of raise-ism.

I’m addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp.

How does Shrek like his eggs?

Ogre easy.

Today at work I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart.

I’ve been charged with a graph-aided assault.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.