LaffGaff Archives

A guy with a stutter died in prison …

Before he could finish his sentence.

I just got a new personal best in the 100 meter sprint!

73 meters.

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just… disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends so I told her she was the only one I had been with.

The others were all eights and nines.

What’s an acorn?

In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

Several of Hitler’s generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were veteran Aryans.

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person…

Are they busting a nut?

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.

I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions.

Like, “Whose blood is this”, and, “Where did you get it?”

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They’re the Tolkien white guys.

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day.

All eight books were recovered.

What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair?

Pelvis Restly.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

My daughter asked me what “inexplicable” means.

I said, “It’s hard to explain.”

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

We’ll We’ll We’ll…

If it isn’t autocorrect…

I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.

I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues.

Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

My Dad’s addicted to ladders.

He keeps using them to get high.

This is top secret.

This is bottom secret.

I heard it’s easy to convince women not to eat Tide Pods…

But it’s a lot harder to deter gents.

What’s it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

I asked the waiter if the restaurant served steak raw.

He said, “Yeah but it’s rare.”

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

Why don’t aliens visit our solar system?

Because of the terrible ratings. It only has one star.

What do you call a dinosaur from Canada?

Torontosaurus Rex.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

I like to tell dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.

I’m a faux pa.

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

My mother used to tuck me in every night.

She always wanted a girl.

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store.

I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

Jokes about sugar are rare.

Jokes about brown sugar – Demerara.

There’s a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I’ve got nothing on.

In which country do sheep fall from the sky?

Bahrain.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson…

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.