LaffGaff Archives

My wife and I had an argument about which vowel was most important.

I won.

I started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are through the roof.

So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter…

It’s pretty nuts.

My deaf wife just told me that “We need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy…

That we have health insurance.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

I’m a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

I used to really enjoy political jokes…

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter.

Let that sink in.

Breaking a leg during an audition…

Ensures that you end up in the cast.

What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

The Anti-crust.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…

Does money even matter?

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head and said, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”.

How do German Shepherds greet each other?

Guttendog.

How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group.

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

What currency do they use in outer space?

Starbucks.

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?

A BrrrrGrrrrr.

What’s Yoda’s last name?

Layheehoo.

My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I don’t advertise my lip reading business.

It’s all word of mouth.

A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.

I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”

Every morning for the past six months, I’ve announced loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I haven’t.

It’s a running joke.

Scientists have discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.

They described it as a blast from the past.

Just so everybody’s clear…

I’m going to put my glasses on.

They should stock ATMs better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it’s cheaper.

My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

“You’re much bigger than that.”

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

My Grandma is in her 90s and she still doesn’t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

My friend just called me the worst best man ever.

I was speechless.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Time will tell.

Today I learned that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

If you upload 1,000 pictures on Instagram…

Is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

Life before that was a blur.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.

There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.

They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.

My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of that, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.

I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

He said, “Repeat infractions?”

I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

If you’re questioning your sexuality…

You probably aren’t thinking straight.