LaffGaff Archives

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism.

Why can’t you breed an eel with an eagle?

It’s eeleagle.

My Dad was bragging about his hearing aid.

“State of the art,” he said. “Cost me a fortune.”

“Awesome,” I said, “What type is it?”

“Two thirty,” he replied.

My wife gets angry…

That I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer.

What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

I told my friend a cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie.

He asked, “Gladiator?”

I said, “No, I really miss her.”

The shortest sentence is “I am.”

The longest sentence is “I do.”

I just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.

It’s a step by step guide.

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1s and 0s.

I told him I knew a bit.

If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first black hole…

You clearly don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories.

Makes scents.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing me down.

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it.

The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

Why did the farmer decide to try a career in music after an unsuccessful harvest?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, “Kindergarten.”

How does it feel when you cross a melon with a cauliflower?

Melancholy.

I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview.

I didn’t get the job.

I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant.

She said, “Thanks Dad. That means a great deal.”

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m going to get whiskey instead.”

I broke two of my Dad’s Queen records.

Now I want to break three.

A three year old boy examined his testicles in the bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…

In one ear, out the other.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday.

He buried someone in the wrong plot.

It was a grave mistake.

My three favorite things are eating my family…

And not using commas.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, “Hey, let’s exchange numbers.”

I said, “Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?”

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

My mum said, “I’m not happy with your school report.”

I said, “Okay.”

She said, “I want more As.”

I replied, “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”

My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”

I said, “Like a boycott?”

She said, “Don’t you start.”

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds.

Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight…

Unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions.

What kind of fire leaves a room damp?

A humidifire.

After you die what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

While most puns make me feel numb…

Math puns make me feel number.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”

I said, “How about now?”

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

What do you call a $1,000 door?

A grand entrance.

I bought a theremin.

But I haven’t touched it in years.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often?

He loves Tibet.

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old.

Those are the years you’re in your prime.

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.