LaffGaff Archives

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That’s pretty humerus.

My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.

I was on a date with this really beautiful girl.

Well, it wasn’t a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.

How do you feed 1,000 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now you have endless bread.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.

My business making and selling hanging baskets has just gone bust.

It’s sad really, they looked great with Pansies, Lobelias and Marigolds. Sadly, no Fuchsia in it.

People who practice for staring competitions…

Need to take a good long look at themselves in the mirror.

As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete.

Nothing dentured, nothing gained.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage.

My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It’s not my first choice, but I’m okay with it.

How did the pharaoh get so rich?

He was running a huge pyramid scheme.

Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master’s degree.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious…

Or did she?

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I got out of bed to look with him.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…

But I quit as it was just one ting after another.

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”

Dad hands son a phone…

Dad: “Ok, now just call someone.”

Son: “Why can’t you do it?”

Dad: “Because that would be a daddial.”

Nine months isn’t really that long.

It only feels like a maternity.

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC.

What country doesn’t take cash or credit?

The Czech Republic.

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work.

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I’ve managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I’m going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for those who who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

The jokes on him though, I don’t have a roommate.

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees.

All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie.

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?

The I. C. U.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.

I won’t rest till I find it.

Working out is like a drug to me.

I don’t do drugs.

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…

If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters.

I know an awful lot about bus timetables.

I’ve led a sheltered life.

I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.

Now it’s clogged.

I just lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

My wife is a body builder.

She’s pregnant.

The man who invented Velcro died.

RIP.

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite.

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

If I had a dollar for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

My twin brother called me from prison.

He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

Do you remember the joke I told you recently about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.