Backwards Muffins

What is muffins spelled backwards?

Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.

Lost His Magic

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

Paddle Boat

I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake.

I feel like canoe person.

Wrongly Named

Who called them Dad jokes instead of Pop corn?

Better Bags

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was… the worst case scenario.

Pear Tree

What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?

It pre-pears.

Bucket List

All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is a little pail in comparison.

Rocket-Powered Deer

When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

Australian Meringue

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.

What Room?

A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”

The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

Guillotine Factory

I just got a new job at the guillotine factory.

I’ll beheading there shortly.

Jane Eyre Book

I just sat on the sharp corner of my hardcover copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Now I’ve got a Bronte sore ass.

Mashed Potatoes

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.

Failed Math Exam

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

Naming Convention

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Mixed Up Monkeys

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?

An orangatangle.

Movie Plot Idea

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.

I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Man In Camouflage

My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

Dog Minder

If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs…

I’d have a pound.

No Toilet Paper

Run out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.

Today was the tip of the iceberg.

Feeling Numb

English puns make me feel numb.

But math puns make me feel number.

Chest Hair

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

Alphabet Soup

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for…

Times new ramen!

Blacksmith Interview

I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.

The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said, “No, but I once told a Donkey to get lost.”

Secret Taxidermist

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.

When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”

Two Crows

My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The police arrested him for attempted murder.

Horoscope Obsession

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

Armed Robber

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Foot Cooler

Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back.

I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

Instagram Celebrity

What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?

An influenzer.

Exercise Routine

I asked my wife for suggestions for an exercise routine.

She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That’s a big step.”

Cat Ladies

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

One Thousand Bees

News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.

They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.

Overrated Tofu

A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

Rough Neighborhood

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood.

As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough in the gateau.

Hiking Playlist

I made a playlist for hiking.

It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

Two Faults

My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.

I don’t listen – and something else.

Rabbit Mistake

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”

Psychic Powers

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

Named After Dad

I was named after my Dad.

Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

Ambulance Drivers

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

Leftover Food

As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”

I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

Star Wars Puns

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…

Then you’re looking for love in Alderaan places.

Fish Tacos

I made some fish tacos last night.

But they just ignored them and swam away.