Stomach Butterflies

My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”

I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”

“Stop eating caterpillars!”

Short Poem

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

Strange Cactus

I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.

But I can’t put my finger on it.

Noah’s Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”

Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”

But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”

“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”

“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.

“Fish?” queries Noah.

“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”

Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”

“Yeah.”

“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want it full of carp?”

“Check.”

“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”

Chess Champion

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Duck Eggs

I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Scared Joker

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

Do Not Touch

There’s something that I don’t like about “DO NOT TOUCH” signs.

I just can’t put my finger on it.

Military Births

What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

Write A Book

My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, “That’s a novel idea.”

Eye Surgery

A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”

Smart Beer

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.

Forgive Me

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…

For I have synonymed.

Poor Sense Of Direction

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.

I don’t know where she’s coming from.

Garden Gnomes

Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Mirror Cheese

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.

Throwing Up

I throw up whenever I hear a joke.

It’s a gag reflex.

People Change

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

Car Enthusiasts

How do two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner.

Road Walker

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”

Corruption Defined

A little girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is corruption?”

Her dad replies, “Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”

The girl says, “But mommy said you should stop drinking!”

The dad says, “Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.”

The girl says, “Oh, okay!”

Crying Girl

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Laundry Argument

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

Electrical Cords

My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.