LaffGaff Archives

I was locked in a recording studio and I yelled for help but no one could hear me and I didn’t know why.

I was baffled.

A man goes to a hotel and asks the manager, “How much for a room?”

The manager says, “It’s a $100 regular and $15 if you make your own bed.”

Excitedly the man says, “OK, I’ll make my own bed then.”

“OK, I’ll go get you some nails and wood.”

I can’t decide which type of mattress to buy.

I might have to sleep on it.

My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.

Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat,” but I know what she meant.

I woke up this morning and my whole body had turned to corn.

If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.

What does a blind train drive on?

Braille road tracks.

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.

What do you call the head of a school of fish?

A Sardean.

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…

I know where to draw the line.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine.

“Yes! Oh, yes!” she shouted, eyes filled with tears.

“Great!” I said. “Now take this pick and go find me some gold!”

Did you hear about the polygamist cat?

He had nine wives.

Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?

The thief made a clean getaway.

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?

A sea señor.

I put my grandmother’s phone number on speed dial in my phone.

I call it Instagran.

My son asked me, “Is this pool safe for diving?”

I replied, “It deep ends.”

What kind of noise does a train make?

A low commotion.

Saw a sign in a restaurant restroom that said “Employees Must Wash Hands”.

I waited for an hour, and no employee came in to wash my hands.

Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet?

You can hear a pin drop.

My cabinet installer was arrested last week.

He was charged with counter fitting.

Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?

He had a blue tooth.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

I brought my own spoon to my cooking class last night.

It caused quite a stir.

Who did Noah hire to design his boat?

An arkitect.

What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?

Unfortunate.

Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine.