Manage His Affairs

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs.

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I’ll never know.

Life Revolves Around Football

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.

I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Say What?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Chicken Proof

I have a chicken proof lawn.

It’s impeckable.

Adam’s Apples

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?

A guyneckologist.

Bookstore

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

I bought 2.

Spelling Errors

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

Bagel With Cream Cheese

I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”

Ethics Failure

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

Eye Test

A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”

Mansplainer

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

Coming Home Now

My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Sunset Meeting

Lion: You’re late. We said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun, you midget.

Fear Of Birds

I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”

She replied, “I think you might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

Living Alone

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…

Is a warm toilet seat.

Dog Pancakes

My wife said to me, “We just ate, why are you making pancakes?”

I said, “They’re for the dogs.”

She asked, “Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?”

I said, “They don’t know how.”

Calendar Vandalism

Someone removed the 5th month from all my calendars.

I’m really dismayed.

Un-American

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Senior Citizens

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

Cat Directions

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”

Sexual Partners

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I probably should’ve stopped when I got to her name.

Last Mortgage Payment

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I’m just not going pay them any more.

Two Priests

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into two priests.

The drunk man looks at the first priest and says, “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

Then the man turns to the second priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The second priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it.

So he takes the two priests into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ. You’re back again?”

Spiderman Jacket

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?

It’s a Pita Parka.

Heavy Sleeper

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.